This blog post is not really about us fostering or adopting. I just just had my first very irrational melt down this pregnancy. I've cried plenty of times, but I think most of them I had a fairly good excuse. But now, as I sit laughing at myself, I just thought I'd share with you all.
First of all, let me tell you about my day. I'm exhausted. For those of you that don't know me well, I'm a bit of a clean freak. Not that my house is always clean, but it really gets to me when it isn't. I get cranky, and I feel claustrophobic when the house is a disaster. Even as a kid, my close friends called me a perfectionist and a neat freak. I used to clean my sister's rooms just because the mess bothered me. In my current state, I am just not able to keep up. I'm slow, so it takes me at least five times longer to accomplish anything, and it piles up and makes me crazy. So either I completely wear myself out cleaning, or I live in squalor. Today I over-did it. I washed, folded, and put away 3 loads of laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I took out trash. I picked up toys and shoes, and cups, and everything else laying around the house. I can't even figure out how it gets so messy so fast. And all the while, little J is following me around dragging things right back out. During her naps, I went outside to try to finish up the weedeating. I am utterly and completely exhausted. My hips are killing me. And I haven't showered.
So car line time rolls around. I've been showing up at the school a little later lately because our school's car line is ridiculous, and when I sit in it for 30 minutes, poor baby in the back seat doesn't like that. So I show up right at the very end when it's about over. I pull up to the school with no intention of getting out, and there's no one outside. My heart just sinks. I sat there for a couple more minutes hoping that my kids would see me out the window and come running out. That doesn't happen. I mutter not nice things under my breath, and climb out of the van. Now, I'm wearing non-maternity XL sweatpants. My t-shirt that Alison tye-dyed for me 15 years ago might as well be a net shirt with all the holes in it. My hair is a mess, and I stink. I look down at myself. My shirt doesn't even cover half my belly, so I have to hike my sweatpants up past my belly button. Like, I have a wedgie for the history books. That makes my fat, swollen ankles stick out of the bottom like I'm expecting a flood. At least my pedicure still looks good. I take baby J out of the van and try to hold her in a way so that she's covering the most holes in my shirt.
I waddle inside the school, peek inside the office window, and there they are. Chase sees me immediately, and they try to run out to me, but Mrs. Trunchbull blocks them with her arm in the door way and tells me I have to come in and sign them out. Are you kidding me? I'm like 2 minutes later than usual! I gulp some air, and walk into the office, full of people. There's a lady signing her kids out in front of me, so I stand there and wait. She must be writing a novel or something, what in the world is taking her so long?! Chase reaches for J and says, "Let me hold the baby!" "No!" I whisper-snap to him. (She's covering the holes in in my shirt.) He reaches for her again, and shes leaning out of my arms trying to go to him. "Stop it! I"m holding her!" I snap again. Finally the lady in front of me finishes, and I sign them out. I rush out of the building with my head down feeling mortified. Chase asks me why I'm in such a hurry, and I just lost it. I told them I was just tired and cranky, and just saying that makes me burst into tears. I buckle everyone in, and drive home, trying to wipe away tears as fast as they fall. The kids ask me whats wrong, and I just reply with the usual, "Nothing."
We pull into the drive way, I wait for the kids to get out and get the baby out. As soon as the doors close, that was the moment I was waiting for. I start sobbing hysterically. I just needed to cry and let it out. I sob loudly. It feels good. A couple minutes later, the passenger door opens, my husband climbs in, and just sits there patiently. At this point, I'm ashamed. Now I know I'll have to explain why I'm crying. I continue to sob, snort and sniffle a few minutes more until I'm able to regain my composure. He asks me if I'm okay. I told him I was fine, just tired and embarrassed to tell him why I was crying. And of course, he responds with, "Don't be embarrassed! I understand you have hormones going on." So I tell him about how I had to walk into school looking like this, and how Chase kept trying to take the baby, and I just wanted to hold her to cover up my holey t-shirt, which by the way, was impossible. Then he says, "Well, at least you had a bra on." That made me laugh and cry at the same time. We laughed together for a few minutes, then head inside. I told him I was headed straight for the shower, and as I close the door, I hear Chase ask, "So what did you find out, Dad?" I'd love to hear what he said.
Don't worry, I'm in bed now with my feet propped up. My babysitters are home, and doing a fantastic job of entertaining, and I'm trying to rest. And please, I know there are those of you that will tell me to not over do it, and take it easy. I don't want to hear it. I don't do it on purpose, but seriously, I have three kids. Unless you want to hire me a maid and a cook, things have to get done around here!
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Parenting Class
Baby girl J has been with us for 6 weeks now. It has been absolutely amazing having her back. I missed her so much, and it just feels like our family is incomplete without her. She's a little mess, but she is so stinking cute, so it's all worth it!
You guys know I'm a huge advocate for foster care. Fostering has its challenges for sure, but it's so rewarding, and we can do so much good for these kids, even if it is for a short while. We are with the Boys and Girls Homes, and I love them. Our social workers are amazing, caring, understanding women, and they have been a huge support to us in tough times. If you are interested in fostering, or maybe you aren't sure, but out of curiosity would like to know more, these ladies would love to come out and talk to a group of you, your church, or whatever, and just tell you more about what they do and how the process works. I know there is a lot of interest because I have had so many people reach out to me because of our story and my blog wanting more information. Let me know, and I can get you in touch.
Every year the Boys and Girls Homes have a foster parent training day, and this was our second year going. Both times it has been amazing. We learn so much about parenting, from tough, damaged kids to our own fairly well-behaved kids. We took the kids with us this year. As I dropped the kids off at the babysitting station, I worried about baby J being without us for 5 hours, like she couldn't survive without us. I gave her a kiss and walked out the door while she yelled, "Mama! Mama!" 5 1/2 hours later we walk in there to pick her up, and 5 teenage girls run up to me saying, "Oh my goodness, is this your baby?! So is SO cute! We were all fighting over her. We just love her! Everyone wanted to hold her!" I look over at J who is just babbling and flirting and charming everyone. You guys, I wish I could post a picture of this baby for you all to see, but trust me when I say she is so stinking cute! And you know I had her nails painted, her chunky bead necklace on, her rhinestone sandals, and a big ole flowery headband on her. She is a diva, and what can I say, I've always loved dressing up baby dolls! =P
Anyways, I'd like to share a little of what I learned this year. This is probably going to be a huge shock to some of you, but I'm not what you would call a morning person. I'm more of a morning monster, and I'll be honest, my poor kids suffer because of it. My husband is a night owl because of personality and work, so the mornings are all up to me. I roll out of bed after hitting snooze as many times as possible, cursing myself because I've overslept and now we have to rush. I go in their room and yell at them to "Get up right NOW or you're going to be late!" (Like it was their fault.) I scramble around the kitchen getting lunches together, making sure bags are packed and so fourth. I change J's diaper, yell at them that they better be out here in TWO MINUTES or else they will regret the day they were born, and grab them a granola bar because we didn't have time for breakfast.
As we get in the car 5 minutes later than we should have, I lecture them the whole way to school about how irresponsible it is for them to sleep in and make us rush to school, and almost late every day. As I speed through yellow stoplights, think about flipping off several other drivers who have the audacity to get in front of me and drive slow, and groan in frustration at the long car line, the boys just sit quietly nibbling on their granola bars. As we pull up to the drop off spot, I tell them I love them and to have a great day and learn a lot. I'm sure that gives them warm, fuzzy feelings after being yelled at all morning. I drive home feeling guilty, and I pray for forgiveness, and tell myself tomorrow morning will be better. What a terrible example I am! How short I fall in showing them God's love and patience and kindness! This is not our story every morning, but it does happen sometimes, and when I am cranky, I can find it very hard to control myself.
Yesterday's big lesson was basically this: The quickest way to change a child's behavior is to control your own. Bam. There it was, in my face. I have a terrible time with that sometimes. When I am particularly tired, stressed, and have had a bad day, I am a terrible mom. The boys will be fighting over something, usually one particular angel irritating the snot out of the other one, and when I've had enough, I will SLAM the pot down that I'm cooking in, STOMP over into the living room, and yell at them that, "IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELVES, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THE WORST TROUBLE OF YOUR LIFE!!!" What am I communicating to them? Because I'm certainly not modeling self-control. It sounds so obvious, but in the heat of the moment, I forget myself, and my ugliness comes out. I am so thankful for my savior who has covered all my sins, past and present, but I feel so sorry for my kids who still have to endure my sin! Cory and I talked on the way home, both feeling very convicted. We came up with a code word to use in case one of us is starting to loose our patience and our cool. And I am asking you all to pray for us too. Parenting can be so hard sometimes, right? Especially when the one who is supposed to be a good example is failing miserably!
Another good thing we learned was sometimes discipline, which means 'to teach', is better served as a patient lesson rather than a consequence. If your child is obviously upset and says something rude and uncalled for, instead of jumping on them with, "You don't speak to me that way, you are so grounded!" try this. "I know that you know what you just said to me was wrong. And that tells me that whatever it is on your mind is bothering you more than any consequence I could give you. So here's what I want you to do. Grab some chips, I'll grab the salsa, and we'll meet outside on the patio in 2 minutes so that you can tell me what's upsetting you, and I can help you find a better way to deal with it." That teaches the child 2 things: How to deal with issues rather than taking them out on someone, and that they can always come to you when they are upset. How likely will they come to you when they need you if they know you're just going to yell, get mad and ground them? And some kids listen better when they aren't looking you in the eye. There was so much more that we learned, but it was a 5-hour talk, so I'm not going to repeat it all. But seriously good stuff!
This week I am praying intentionally for myself, my husband, and all the other struggling parents out there. Parenting is hard, but it's the most important job that we have. But I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Anyways, I'd like to share a little of what I learned this year. This is probably going to be a huge shock to some of you, but I'm not what you would call a morning person. I'm more of a morning monster, and I'll be honest, my poor kids suffer because of it. My husband is a night owl because of personality and work, so the mornings are all up to me. I roll out of bed after hitting snooze as many times as possible, cursing myself because I've overslept and now we have to rush. I go in their room and yell at them to "Get up right NOW or you're going to be late!" (Like it was their fault.) I scramble around the kitchen getting lunches together, making sure bags are packed and so fourth. I change J's diaper, yell at them that they better be out here in TWO MINUTES or else they will regret the day they were born, and grab them a granola bar because we didn't have time for breakfast.
As we get in the car 5 minutes later than we should have, I lecture them the whole way to school about how irresponsible it is for them to sleep in and make us rush to school, and almost late every day. As I speed through yellow stoplights, think about flipping off several other drivers who have the audacity to get in front of me and drive slow, and groan in frustration at the long car line, the boys just sit quietly nibbling on their granola bars. As we pull up to the drop off spot, I tell them I love them and to have a great day and learn a lot. I'm sure that gives them warm, fuzzy feelings after being yelled at all morning. I drive home feeling guilty, and I pray for forgiveness, and tell myself tomorrow morning will be better. What a terrible example I am! How short I fall in showing them God's love and patience and kindness! This is not our story every morning, but it does happen sometimes, and when I am cranky, I can find it very hard to control myself.
Yesterday's big lesson was basically this: The quickest way to change a child's behavior is to control your own. Bam. There it was, in my face. I have a terrible time with that sometimes. When I am particularly tired, stressed, and have had a bad day, I am a terrible mom. The boys will be fighting over something, usually one particular angel irritating the snot out of the other one, and when I've had enough, I will SLAM the pot down that I'm cooking in, STOMP over into the living room, and yell at them that, "IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELVES, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THE WORST TROUBLE OF YOUR LIFE!!!" What am I communicating to them? Because I'm certainly not modeling self-control. It sounds so obvious, but in the heat of the moment, I forget myself, and my ugliness comes out. I am so thankful for my savior who has covered all my sins, past and present, but I feel so sorry for my kids who still have to endure my sin! Cory and I talked on the way home, both feeling very convicted. We came up with a code word to use in case one of us is starting to loose our patience and our cool. And I am asking you all to pray for us too. Parenting can be so hard sometimes, right? Especially when the one who is supposed to be a good example is failing miserably!
Another good thing we learned was sometimes discipline, which means 'to teach', is better served as a patient lesson rather than a consequence. If your child is obviously upset and says something rude and uncalled for, instead of jumping on them with, "You don't speak to me that way, you are so grounded!" try this. "I know that you know what you just said to me was wrong. And that tells me that whatever it is on your mind is bothering you more than any consequence I could give you. So here's what I want you to do. Grab some chips, I'll grab the salsa, and we'll meet outside on the patio in 2 minutes so that you can tell me what's upsetting you, and I can help you find a better way to deal with it." That teaches the child 2 things: How to deal with issues rather than taking them out on someone, and that they can always come to you when they are upset. How likely will they come to you when they need you if they know you're just going to yell, get mad and ground them? And some kids listen better when they aren't looking you in the eye. There was so much more that we learned, but it was a 5-hour talk, so I'm not going to repeat it all. But seriously good stuff!
This week I am praying intentionally for myself, my husband, and all the other struggling parents out there. Parenting is hard, but it's the most important job that we have. But I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Shared Parenting
Whew, what a crazy 3 weeks it has been! It's been a long time since we've had a 1-year-old! Moms of little ones, here's a shout out to you, because honestly I forgot how exhausting it can be! She is into everything. If you were to walk through my house right now, you would see tupperware, shoes, toys, movies, snacks, torn up tissues, movies, and lots of other things laying all around the floor, all from one tiny little person. I literally can not keep up with cleaning up after her. I will be investing in some more cabinet locks and a trashcan with a lid this week!
Poor baby was sick all last week, and boy was she a grouch. It is is emotionally and mentally draining to deal with a crabby, whiny baby all day long! You tell her no, and she falls on the floor crying hysterically. What a drama queen! But as crazy as life is for us right now, I can't help but smile and think about how awesome my God and His plans are. I wouldn't trade this for anything. It still hasn't completely sunk in that she's back. I love this little girl so much, and this is something I prayed for so hard! I just never imagined I'd be pregnant when she came back. I am kicking myself because just a few months ago I got rid of my perfectly good double stroller. In three months, I will have a newborn and an 18-month old. I am definitely going to need another double stroller.
I wanted to talk a little bit about shared parenting. If you are a foster parent or thinking about becoming one, this is something you will learn about. When we were in our training classes, they told us that when we have children, we need to practice shared parenting, which means keeping the parents in the loop, sending them pictures, updates, asking their advice or opinions on things, etc. My first thought was that was crazy, and I had no intention of buddying up with these parents and asking their advice. If anything, they needed my advice. When we got baby J, and the social worker asked me to reach out to mom and update her on how she was doing, I had this horrible pit in my stomach.
As I made the phone call, my hands were shaking, and I honestly thought that mom would think I was rubbing it in her face that I had her baby and she didn't. She sounded so relieved that I had called, and thanked me for letting her know that her baby was okay. She gave me her email address, and over the next few weeks, I sent her regular updates and pictures. It was definitely awkward for me, and as I told her about all the special firsts she had, doctor appointments, and just little details like how she smiled while she slept, mom started to trust me, and see the love I had for her child. As time went on, it became natural, and we developed a relationship. I was even invited to stay for some of the visitations, and felt very included in the family. I worked extra hard to build my relationship with the family, and when we learned that J would be leaving us to live with her grandma, I was so sad, but so thankful that there was a relationship there. After J left, the family still sent me pictures and updates on how she was doing, and while I missed her terribly, it was not a complete loss. I was even invited to come to a couple of the visitations and see her.
When grandma realized that she could no longer care for J, she told the social worker, "I don't want her to go anywhere but Anna's house. I know how much she loves her, and I can trust her to take good care of her." I can not tell you what that meant to me. Had I not built this trust and relationship, she might not be back here with us now. It can be hard. In our case, wanting to adopt so badly, deep down I felt like I didn't want to share too much, or to be too encouraging because honestly I didn't want her to go back. I had to constantly remind myself that God had a plan, and I needed to stop meddling and trust Him. I needed to share Christ's love with them, and use this opportunity to share the gospel with these people. It was a huge lesson in trust for me, and looking back, I can see his plan coming together, and am so thankful that He knows best! Even if your child is not meant to come back to you, you still have a chance to be in their lives. You still have a requirement to share the gospel with people, and really its such a beautiful opportunity to do so. When most people would be judgmental of the families, you show them love, understanding, patience, and compassion, and what better way to share Christ?!
As far as how long J will be with us, we still don't know for sure, but I think it's safe to say that she will be here at least through October. They have court in October, and we will find out then if they make changes to her permanency plan. Once again, I am having to remind myself that God has a plan, and just trust him with that. Please be praying for us, that I would have more chances to share the gospel with the family, and no matter the outcome, God would be glorified!
Poor baby was sick all last week, and boy was she a grouch. It is is emotionally and mentally draining to deal with a crabby, whiny baby all day long! You tell her no, and she falls on the floor crying hysterically. What a drama queen! But as crazy as life is for us right now, I can't help but smile and think about how awesome my God and His plans are. I wouldn't trade this for anything. It still hasn't completely sunk in that she's back. I love this little girl so much, and this is something I prayed for so hard! I just never imagined I'd be pregnant when she came back. I am kicking myself because just a few months ago I got rid of my perfectly good double stroller. In three months, I will have a newborn and an 18-month old. I am definitely going to need another double stroller.
I wanted to talk a little bit about shared parenting. If you are a foster parent or thinking about becoming one, this is something you will learn about. When we were in our training classes, they told us that when we have children, we need to practice shared parenting, which means keeping the parents in the loop, sending them pictures, updates, asking their advice or opinions on things, etc. My first thought was that was crazy, and I had no intention of buddying up with these parents and asking their advice. If anything, they needed my advice. When we got baby J, and the social worker asked me to reach out to mom and update her on how she was doing, I had this horrible pit in my stomach.
As I made the phone call, my hands were shaking, and I honestly thought that mom would think I was rubbing it in her face that I had her baby and she didn't. She sounded so relieved that I had called, and thanked me for letting her know that her baby was okay. She gave me her email address, and over the next few weeks, I sent her regular updates and pictures. It was definitely awkward for me, and as I told her about all the special firsts she had, doctor appointments, and just little details like how she smiled while she slept, mom started to trust me, and see the love I had for her child. As time went on, it became natural, and we developed a relationship. I was even invited to stay for some of the visitations, and felt very included in the family. I worked extra hard to build my relationship with the family, and when we learned that J would be leaving us to live with her grandma, I was so sad, but so thankful that there was a relationship there. After J left, the family still sent me pictures and updates on how she was doing, and while I missed her terribly, it was not a complete loss. I was even invited to come to a couple of the visitations and see her.
When grandma realized that she could no longer care for J, she told the social worker, "I don't want her to go anywhere but Anna's house. I know how much she loves her, and I can trust her to take good care of her." I can not tell you what that meant to me. Had I not built this trust and relationship, she might not be back here with us now. It can be hard. In our case, wanting to adopt so badly, deep down I felt like I didn't want to share too much, or to be too encouraging because honestly I didn't want her to go back. I had to constantly remind myself that God had a plan, and I needed to stop meddling and trust Him. I needed to share Christ's love with them, and use this opportunity to share the gospel with these people. It was a huge lesson in trust for me, and looking back, I can see his plan coming together, and am so thankful that He knows best! Even if your child is not meant to come back to you, you still have a chance to be in their lives. You still have a requirement to share the gospel with people, and really its such a beautiful opportunity to do so. When most people would be judgmental of the families, you show them love, understanding, patience, and compassion, and what better way to share Christ?!
As far as how long J will be with us, we still don't know for sure, but I think it's safe to say that she will be here at least through October. They have court in October, and we will find out then if they make changes to her permanency plan. Once again, I am having to remind myself that God has a plan, and just trust him with that. Please be praying for us, that I would have more chances to share the gospel with the family, and no matter the outcome, God would be glorified!
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Baby J is Back!
Some of you may remember last summer when we got a sweet newborn baby girl, Baby J. She stayed with us for almost 4 months, when DSS moved her to live with her grandmother. I loved that sweet baby like my own child, and it was so very hard to let her go. I have stayed in touch with her grandmother over the last 10 months, and she occasionally sent me updates and pictures. It was evident that she was well loved and being cared for, but I missed her so much!
Monday morning I woke up to a message on my phone asking if I would be willing to take her again. Grandma had too much going on, and was not able to care for her at this time. I could not believe my eyes. I sat there crying like a baby, and waited all morning to get a confirmation from DSS. Finally I got the call, and I picked up my sweet baby girl that afternoon. This week has been exhausting keeping up with an energetic little walker that's into EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
She adjusted so well! I don't know if it's possible for her to remember us, but it was like she did. I was concerned about it because at this age, so many children have separation anxiety, and I thought leaving her grandmother, who stayed with her and cared for her 24/7 would be extremely hard on her. But she is as happy as can be. She is sweet, loves to snuggle, and laughs and giggles all the time. She loves the cat, loves to go swimming, and loves to play outside. The boys have had a blast taking care of her too. We have been scrambling to baby proof the house, because if she can get into it, she will.
As far as how long she will be staying with us, we can't say. I wish I knew, but I know God has a plan for her, and I am just enjoying every minute that I have with her. Please pray for her family. They are going through so much right now, especially grandma. She had a very hard time giving her up, but because of her current situation, she knew she just couldn't give her what she needed, and made a very selfless decision. I've had a few chances to share the gospel with her. Please pray that God would use that, and that there would be more opportunities, and that she would be saved through this.
People are looking at me like I'm crazy when I'm out in public with 3 kids, one being a baby, and obviously quite pregnant, but hey, I don't care! I love the craziness of it all. I wouldn't trade it for the world!
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Another Ending
If you've followed my blog and our story at all, you would know that I'm terrible about regular updates. Life can be so busy sometimes, and I realize I haven't written in weeks, or even months! Sometimes the subject is hard and I just don't know what to say. That's probably more the case here. Last I wrote, K was with us for about three months. We ended up having her for about six months total. She left us about six weeks ago. I think part of my reason for not writing was because I had some guilt about things not working out, and also partly because I didn't want to discourage anyone thinking about fostering. But the reality is that some of these kids are going to be really tough, some of them you can't help, and some of them just don't fit with your family.
Things went great for the first few months, and then it started to go down hill. We had issues that we couldn't seem to resolve, and only seemed to be getting worse, and we felt like she might benefit from being an only child. It was a tough choice, but one we felt would be easier made sooner than later. I still pray for her and that she would remember the things she learned with us, and the things she learned in church, and that things would work out for her.
If you are considering fostering or adopting, know that these children are going to have some issues, and make sure you get the training to know how to deal with those issues. It is so important. I wish we could have helped her more, but I know that God had his reasons for her brief time with us, and I pray the seeds that we planted would grow.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
3 Months In
Miss Thang has been here a little over 3 months now. It feels shorter and longer than that at the same time. It feels like she's always been here, yet the time she has been just flew by. I love this girl so much! Most days are wonderful. I can see her blossoming, and feeling more secure about fitting in with us. I can see her determination to please us. She has a very sweet nature, and she is so full of life and creativity, and genuinely an entertaining person. I know this is where she belongs, and I am so happy and so blessed to have her in our family.
But, I'm just going to be honest here with you guys, there are days when I am struggling. You know how preteens just push against every boundary and rule that you have, and try to see how much it takes to break you? For those of you that don't have kids or don't know, just think back to when you were a kid and how much you grieved your parents. If you think you were an angel, kindly ask your parents to remind you what a snot you could be sometimes. =P
Seriously, though, she is doing that, times 100. Our therapist said that this is normal behavior, but she is just worse because she has been in and out of foster care. And I know what she's doing. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it easier. She is pushing those boundaries to see if we'll follow through with consequences. She has to determine that if she tests us, we will stand strong. She interprets that as we are strong people that she can depend on, and that we can protect her, and that we will love her no matter what. She wants to see if there's anything that she could do to make us stop loving her. She figures that if we are going to stop loving her, better sooner than later. So she is really testing us. This is what she has to do to feel secure, and to feel safe enough to finally feel at home.
It can be so hard to sit there during a hour long battle about something so silly, like trying on a pair of jeans, with plenty of defiance, tears and wailing of how we're ruining her life. To be firm but calm. To keep our tone in check. To keep anger out of our eyes. And to bite my tongue when I feel like saying something out of anger, something that could do irreparable damage, not because I truly mean it, but because I'm at my wits end. And I don't know if this is a normal teen thing or not (because I was an angel, and can't remember doing this) but you just can't reason with them. The more defensive she gets, the more irrational she gets.
For example:
K: "It's like you're trying to ruin my life!!!"
Me: "Sweetheart, trying on this pair of jeans is not going to ruin your life."
K: "How do YOU know? You don't know my feelings!"
Me: "Okay, how could it possibly ruin your life?"
K: "I never said it would ruin my life."
Me: "You just said--nevermind. Well, it won't ruin your life."
K: "It might ruin my life. You don't know that. You can't see the future!"
Me: "WHA--?! (Takes deep breath) Okay, give me one possible scenario where this could seriously affect you."
K: "I never said it would. I didn't say that."
Me: (Takes a deep breath. Remembers to put love back into my icy stare.) "Just try on the jeans. I just want to see if they fit."
K: "Why are you FORCING me to do everything I don't want to do!?"
Tell me I am not alone in this. Tell me that other parents have survived this! Everyday I am praying that God would give me the patience, wisdom, and endurance to get through this and be the best parent I can be. I frequently have to check my attitude, and pray for forgiveness. Sometimes I have to apologize to her for getting way too upset while "forcing her to do stuff." But I will never give up. I am making tons of mistakes as I go, but I will never stop trying to improve. I will never stop loving her because of something she has done. This is what she needs. And as hard as it can be sometimes, this is what God has given us. And even with all of the rough patches, she is a sweet blessing from Him!
Saturday, January 23, 2016
10 Weeks
We've had K for 10 weeks now. It's strange because it feels like so much longer than that, like she's just always been here. She is doing really great, and adjusting well. I have learned so much in the past several weeks, things that you know, but can't know until you go through it. Getting an older child is tough, but also such a blessing. I have had to spend plenty of time on my knees praying that God would help me through this, especially when I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing.
Having a preteen is tough. Getting a preteen with no chance to establish a relationship beforehand is really tough. But I am so proud of her and what she has accomplished. We've had several weeks where there was some testing of limits, and push back on the rules. There would be times when she would have a meltdown over something so small, (And I mean a screaming and crying for 30 minutes meltdown) and I would wonder what in the world I had gotten myself into. But she is trying so hard to please us. Now when we have a moment where I have to lay down the law, and I just know that she's going to throw a fit, she just takes a minute, and says "Okay." She may make it clear she's not a fan of that rule, but like I tell her, you don't have to like it, you just have to follow it.
She still tries to push those limits and see what she can get away with. Some times I feel like I'm just fussing at her all day long. And I feel so bad, and think to myself that she's going to think I don't like her, and I'm out to get her. But no matter what fights we get into, she always seems to just adore me. She writes me notes telling me I'm "the most awesome person in the world." She always wants to sit beside me, and go places with me. I think to myself, "I'm getting on my own nerves, all this fussing and lecturing." But as weird as it sounds, it's like she is more content after I put my foot down. I've always heard that children crave boundaries and rules, and with her, I can definitely see that.
Some things I've learned and had to remind myself the past few weeks. I've had to love her for who she is, and not who I want her to be. As silly as it sounds, before her, I had this nice little life with my little routines, and my children who listened well, and didn't argue with me, and did things like I liked them. When she came along, all the sudden I had this independent child who doesn't do things like I like them, and doesn't wear what I want her to wear, and argues with me over just about everything. And she is always right. No matter how many times I've proved her wrong on things, she always thinks she knows better than me. And for me, it's been hard to say, "that's not how I do it, but your way is just as good." Or to be patient with her when we go out on the beach in mid January to do a polar plunge, and she's arguing with me that all she needs is a towel, and we do not need to pack lots of dry clothes, socks, blankets, and all that good stuff. (For the record, she didn't go through with it. She didn't believe me when I told her the water would be painfully cold. She did, however, spend 45 minutes on the beach in her bathing suit in 32 degree weather doing handstands and looking for shells!)
To see her really start to trust us is another major milestone! When she first came here, the first night, she said she sleeps so much better without a light on. And I'm thinking, "That's great! I just learned that children aren't supposed to sleep with lights on!" Then she got a lamp for her birthday, and every night, she wanted to sleep with it on. And so every night, that light stayed on all night long, and while I resisted saying anything, I'm thinking of all the reasons why we should just make her turn it off. Then all of the sudden, she started sleeping with it off. The thought never occurred to me until Cory said it, but I think she was scared before because of her horrible past, and turning off that lamp was like saying, "Okay, now I know I'm safe here, and I can feel safe in the dark because I trust you guys." Sometimes I have to remind myself to think like her. Some of her actions aren't defiant, and she's not trying to push my buttons (all the time). It's what she's always had to do, and it's her survival mechanism.
We talk openly about adopting her. The social worker has started the paper work and the process to terminate the parent's rights so we can start that process, but we've been told it will likely be a year before all that will make it through the court systems. She said she's okay with that, as long as she knows she's here to stay. But she's also expressed worries that some accident might happen where they'll have to move her. That's why she was moved out of her last foster home. When she left one of her relative's homes, they packed her up and told her she was going to camp for a week. She didn't know she was being moved to a foster home. Poor thing, I can't imagine how she must be feeling thinking about all that.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for patience for Cory and I, and pray that we would continue to give her what she needs, and earn her trust. Pray for continued healing from her past, and pray that she would come to know and love Jesus, the one who can really heal her!
Having a preteen is tough. Getting a preteen with no chance to establish a relationship beforehand is really tough. But I am so proud of her and what she has accomplished. We've had several weeks where there was some testing of limits, and push back on the rules. There would be times when she would have a meltdown over something so small, (And I mean a screaming and crying for 30 minutes meltdown) and I would wonder what in the world I had gotten myself into. But she is trying so hard to please us. Now when we have a moment where I have to lay down the law, and I just know that she's going to throw a fit, she just takes a minute, and says "Okay." She may make it clear she's not a fan of that rule, but like I tell her, you don't have to like it, you just have to follow it.
She still tries to push those limits and see what she can get away with. Some times I feel like I'm just fussing at her all day long. And I feel so bad, and think to myself that she's going to think I don't like her, and I'm out to get her. But no matter what fights we get into, she always seems to just adore me. She writes me notes telling me I'm "the most awesome person in the world." She always wants to sit beside me, and go places with me. I think to myself, "I'm getting on my own nerves, all this fussing and lecturing." But as weird as it sounds, it's like she is more content after I put my foot down. I've always heard that children crave boundaries and rules, and with her, I can definitely see that.
Some things I've learned and had to remind myself the past few weeks. I've had to love her for who she is, and not who I want her to be. As silly as it sounds, before her, I had this nice little life with my little routines, and my children who listened well, and didn't argue with me, and did things like I liked them. When she came along, all the sudden I had this independent child who doesn't do things like I like them, and doesn't wear what I want her to wear, and argues with me over just about everything. And she is always right. No matter how many times I've proved her wrong on things, she always thinks she knows better than me. And for me, it's been hard to say, "that's not how I do it, but your way is just as good." Or to be patient with her when we go out on the beach in mid January to do a polar plunge, and she's arguing with me that all she needs is a towel, and we do not need to pack lots of dry clothes, socks, blankets, and all that good stuff. (For the record, she didn't go through with it. She didn't believe me when I told her the water would be painfully cold. She did, however, spend 45 minutes on the beach in her bathing suit in 32 degree weather doing handstands and looking for shells!)
To see her really start to trust us is another major milestone! When she first came here, the first night, she said she sleeps so much better without a light on. And I'm thinking, "That's great! I just learned that children aren't supposed to sleep with lights on!" Then she got a lamp for her birthday, and every night, she wanted to sleep with it on. And so every night, that light stayed on all night long, and while I resisted saying anything, I'm thinking of all the reasons why we should just make her turn it off. Then all of the sudden, she started sleeping with it off. The thought never occurred to me until Cory said it, but I think she was scared before because of her horrible past, and turning off that lamp was like saying, "Okay, now I know I'm safe here, and I can feel safe in the dark because I trust you guys." Sometimes I have to remind myself to think like her. Some of her actions aren't defiant, and she's not trying to push my buttons (all the time). It's what she's always had to do, and it's her survival mechanism.
We talk openly about adopting her. The social worker has started the paper work and the process to terminate the parent's rights so we can start that process, but we've been told it will likely be a year before all that will make it through the court systems. She said she's okay with that, as long as she knows she's here to stay. But she's also expressed worries that some accident might happen where they'll have to move her. That's why she was moved out of her last foster home. When she left one of her relative's homes, they packed her up and told her she was going to camp for a week. She didn't know she was being moved to a foster home. Poor thing, I can't imagine how she must be feeling thinking about all that.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for patience for Cory and I, and pray that we would continue to give her what she needs, and earn her trust. Pray for continued healing from her past, and pray that she would come to know and love Jesus, the one who can really heal her!
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