Foster Parents

It's been a little over a month since we received disappointing news about the child we were pursuing. I still get sad when I think about it, but I'm eager to move on and finally get a placement. When we started the process for Victoria, we thought we were going to have to become fully licensed foster parents. After we started that process, we realized that that wasn't a requirement, but we decided to follow through with it. I'm glad we did, and maybe that was God's purpose in all of that.

We pretty much finished up everything we needed to do for that. We had to do all the paperwork from scratch, redo all of the fingerprints and background checks, and do several home study visits. The only thing we're waiting on is a form from the doctors that we already turned in, but somehow got misplaced. Once we turn that in, that will be the last of it, and our social worker will send our home study off so that hopefully we will become approved licensed foster parents. Once she sends it off, they have 50 days to make a decision, but hopefully it wont take that long.

Another neat thing was about half way through our MAPP classes (foster parenting training) we realized that one of our instructors lived in the next neighborhood over from us, had kids that went to our school, and her little boy was in Ryland's class! What a small world! It was nice to have that connection.

I really did learn a lot in our classes, and feel better prepared to parent an adopted child. I used to think my kiddos are turning out fine, we seem to have this parenting thing down okay. I hadn't considered that what these children have gone through affects the way they respond to everything. Normal parenting techniques might not work. These children might have some very extreme or unusual behaviors, and you can't focus on those behaviors, but rather figure out what need is not being met that could be causing those behaviors, and understanding what they're feeling.

For instance, if a child is hoarding food, that's a good indicator that they hadn't been adequately provided for, and maybe they are scared that you wont meet their basic needs either. So then how do you show that child that they don't need to worry about not getting enough food? By being patient with them, and constantly fulfilling that need until they can learn to trust you. Or if you get a child that was physically abused, and you spank your children. What type of message might that send them? We spank out of love, but do you think the child is going to see it that way? But if you spank your children, and use something different on the child, that also sends a message that the child is different because you're treating them differently. That's just a couple of different examples of things that I hadn't really thought about.

Anyways, I will definitely let you all know when we hear something. Please keep praying for us. This has been a long journey, and we're ready for it to be over!

Grieving Victoria

It all started a few months back. It had been almost 2 years of waiting with nothing to show. Our social worker told us that we had the option of looking at older children on adoption photo listings. I woke up one morning, browsed through sites, and found Victoria, a beautiful 12-year-old girl in Texas. Cory and I fell in love with her right away. She was perfect for our family! All we could think about was having her with us. We felt like part of us was missing, and that she should be here with us.

During our decision making phase, we prayed a lot! We prayed for guidance, and for doors to open. I was prepared for a baby. I had everything except for the car seat. Yet, I didn't care that I had spent hundreds of dollars on diapers, I just wanted her. We started thinking about all of the potential reasons why it wouldn't work out, but one by one, God provided answers. The biggest example I have was our concern for affording her tuition at school. But about three days later, I was promoted at work with a pay increase and tuition discount increase.

We had a very hard time finding someone who knew what we needed to do to start this process. She was in Texas in Foster Care, and we were in NC, approved to adopt an infant. Everyone we talked to gave us a different answer, and our agency had just lost two of their social workers due to them moving out of state, so they were too overwhelmed to be of much help to us. I probably made 50 phone calls trying to find someone that could help us.

Most people told us that we would probably have to become licensed foster parents. We searched for MAPP classes. That's the training course for parenting foster kids. Everywhere we called told us that they weren't having more classes until next year, and it would be a several month course. I was about to give up hope when I made one last call, and found a class that started that very night, and it would be over in 5 weeks. We got in the class, and learned so much!

We finally found a social worker who knew exactly what we needed to do, and she had helped families do exactly what we were trying to do. We spent three months doing classes, updating all of our paperwork, and everything else. We had to get our new home study to Texas before we could even find out more about Victoria. All we had was a picture and a paragraph about her interests. We didn't know what happened to her or anything.

The day before Thanksgiving, our Social Worker over-nighted our paper work to Texas. When they came back from break, they would have it. It wasn't a matter of whether they would accept us, it was when would they accept us. We were perfect for her, and she belonged with us. All of that hard work and paper cuts, and long nights of classes was worth it! We couldn't wait to fly to Texas to meet her.

I got a confirmation email from them saying they had received our paperwork, and just a couple of hours later, we received our rejection letter. It said that the selection committee had reviewed all applicants, and our family was not chosen. It did not even give us a reason. I sat there in shock reading it. On paper, we were the ideal family for her. How had they turned us down so quickly? They didn't even have to think about it! I had to contact them to get a reason. They said it had nothing to do with our family, but a judge had ordered the case worker to find a family in Texas. I don't think they had even really looked at our home study. They looked at our location and stuck us in the reject pile.

While we were in classes, we learned about the stages of grief. And I went through them all. That evening, I was a little sad, but mostly I just felt shock, like it hadn't sunk in. The next morning, I was devastated. I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt like I didn't want to adopt anymore, because it was supposed to be Victoria. Then I was angry. I was angry with our agency, and how they held us up. I was angry that they didn't bother to look at who we were, and the fact that we had just focused the last three months of our lives on working for this child.

I was bargaining. I kept thinking of all the ways I could change their mind. What if I called the judge and begged him to let her come with us. If he heard our story, surely he would know he had made a mistake. Then I was depressed, and all I could do was cry. She was never going to know how much we loved her and wanted her. Older children are so hard to place, and if she never gets adopted, she will feel so unloved and unwanted. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wanted to call out of work because I couldn't seem to pull myself together, but staying home, all I was doing was wallowing in my sorrow.

I am still very sad about it, but my anger has faded, and I've accepted it. We are emotionally weary, but we haven't given up. We are very confused as to what God's purpose was in all of this. Had we misinterpreted His will? Is He leading us this direction for another reason? Is our pain and suffering teaching us a valuable lesson? Where do we even go from here? I hope to someday understand His reasoning for this. I do know that He knows what's best for us. 

I also have to hold onto hope that He has bigger and better plans for Victoria. We never actually met her, but we became so attached, and to us, she was ours. We had made a place for her in our hearts. I pray that she is loved, cherished, well looked after, and that she is adopted.

"He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will." Ephesians 1:5

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9