But, I'm just going to be honest here with you guys, there are days when I am struggling. You know how preteens just push against every boundary and rule that you have, and try to see how much it takes to break you? For those of you that don't have kids or don't know, just think back to when you were a kid and how much you grieved your parents. If you think you were an angel, kindly ask your parents to remind you what a snot you could be sometimes. =P
Seriously, though, she is doing that, times 100. Our therapist said that this is normal behavior, but she is just worse because she has been in and out of foster care. And I know what she's doing. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it easier. She is pushing those boundaries to see if we'll follow through with consequences. She has to determine that if she tests us, we will stand strong. She interprets that as we are strong people that she can depend on, and that we can protect her, and that we will love her no matter what. She wants to see if there's anything that she could do to make us stop loving her. She figures that if we are going to stop loving her, better sooner than later. So she is really testing us. This is what she has to do to feel secure, and to feel safe enough to finally feel at home.
It can be so hard to sit there during a hour long battle about something so silly, like trying on a pair of jeans, with plenty of defiance, tears and wailing of how we're ruining her life. To be firm but calm. To keep our tone in check. To keep anger out of our eyes. And to bite my tongue when I feel like saying something out of anger, something that could do irreparable damage, not because I truly mean it, but because I'm at my wits end. And I don't know if this is a normal teen thing or not (because I was an angel, and can't remember doing this) but you just can't reason with them. The more defensive she gets, the more irrational she gets.
For example:
K: "It's like you're trying to ruin my life!!!"
Me: "Sweetheart, trying on this pair of jeans is not going to ruin your life."
K: "How do YOU know? You don't know my feelings!"
Me: "Okay, how could it possibly ruin your life?"
K: "I never said it would ruin my life."
Me: "You just said--nevermind. Well, it won't ruin your life."
K: "It might ruin my life. You don't know that. You can't see the future!"
Me: "WHA--?! (Takes deep breath) Okay, give me one possible scenario where this could seriously affect you."
K: "I never said it would. I didn't say that."
Me: (Takes a deep breath. Remembers to put love back into my icy stare.) "Just try on the jeans. I just want to see if they fit."
K: "Why are you FORCING me to do everything I don't want to do!?"
Tell me I am not alone in this. Tell me that other parents have survived this! Everyday I am praying that God would give me the patience, wisdom, and endurance to get through this and be the best parent I can be. I frequently have to check my attitude, and pray for forgiveness. Sometimes I have to apologize to her for getting way too upset while "forcing her to do stuff." But I will never give up. I am making tons of mistakes as I go, but I will never stop trying to improve. I will never stop loving her because of something she has done. This is what she needs. And as hard as it can be sometimes, this is what God has given us. And even with all of the rough patches, she is a sweet blessing from Him!
