I was waiting for that family to want me...

Tonight, as I went into the office to grab a piece of paper, I noticed there was a 1-inch thick stack of paper jammed into the printer. I yanked and pulled and couldn't get it out. But don't worry, my handsome hubby is a computer whiz, and knew exactly what to do. As I looked around wondering how that happened, I noticed several sheets in the trash can. Right away I recognized the large, curly font. It was another love letter, although this time the printer jammed before the job was done, and apparently she gave up and scrapped it. Since it was just the ending, I looked in my recent documents and found the rest of the letter. I copied and pasted it below, just as she had written it.

Dear ,Anna, I just   wanted   to say  Ilove you  mommy .I   am very thankful  of what you have gave me ,and what you have done for me too!  I  know that  I did not give you a gift or nothing , but I   still  love you know matter what happines .When I was in foster care  I  was praying a lot about a  family who want s  me and that I  was going  there very soon.  I cried  so much as I was  waiting  for that family to whant   me . Now I am so much better to be with a  very nice ,silly but very  cool family!  After all  that sadness  lets  just say I love you very much mommy!!!!!!! 

This is what it's all about, people. This beautiful child has 5 half siblings, and when they were taken into custody, she sat and watched all of her sibling's paternal families come forward to take them and raise them, and she was left all alone, just wanting to be a part of a family, and feel loved and wanted. Please consider opening your heart and your home to foster children. Every child deserves to be loved!

Love Letter

   Today is Thanksgiving, and I am so very thankful! I'm thankful for my God who knows the plans He has for us. I'm thankful for my family, and I am so incredibly blessed to spend life with them! I'm thankful for so many things, but I'm not going to list them all, because I want time to eat some turkey! 

   Last night I received a love letter that melted my heart! Here's what it said:

Dear Anna,

I love you so much. Honestly I consider you my one and only mom! Every time I look at you, I smile because I think of you being my mom, forever and ever! So the reason I am writing you is because you are totally deserving a couple comments for your very hard work. So remember what ever happens I will always love you, so very MUCH!!!!!

   We've had K for just over 2 weeks now, and things are going amazing! Sure, there's been some adjusting, new family, new rules, but she is fitting in so well, and we love her so much! She is a daddy's girl, which Cory loves! She has called us "mommy and daddy" several times, and I think she's trying it out, seeing how it feels.

   She is not legally free yet, but they are starting that process, and her social worker said she did not forsee any issues popping up. She's been in foster care for quite a while, so any family that would have been interested has already come forward and has not worked out. I believe this is really it! I believe we are her forever family, and I think she's trying to tell us she thinks that too! ❤️

Bad News, Good News

It has been 7 weeks since baby girl left us. I have typed out this blog posts 5 times, but I never could finish it and post it. When she left, it broke my heart. I miss her more than I could ever express. Even though she wasn't mine, I loved her as though she was. She was the sweetest baby, always smiling. We got her when she was 4 days old, and had to give her back when she was 3 1/2 months old. I was allowed to visit her 5 days after she left, and as soon as she heard my voice, she looked up at me, and wiggled and kicked, wanting me to pick her up. Leaving her that day was even harder than the day she left.

I'll be honest, I cried. A lot. I'm sure I cried almost every day for the first 5 weeks. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I kept looking at her pictures and videos, knowing I was torturing myself, but I just wanted to see her so bad. Everything reminded me of her. And knowing she will forget me is almost more than I could bear. Sometimes I don't know how I made it through those first several weeks. Cory was a huge support. He was mourning too in his own way, but he was always patient with me, and comforted me the best he could. I honestly felt like I was mourning a death, and really, it was as sudden and final as that. But the whole time, God was with me. It brought me closer to Him, and I am so thankful to serve a God who loves me and cares for me. I have learned to trust him more, and slowly but surely, my heart is mending. I still get a little emotional, but I am able to think of the memories I have, and it brings a smile to my face rather than tears. She was a blessing to us, and God has His reasons for her being with us, even for such a short time. I will always love her and cherish our memories.

I felt like I couldn't tell this part of our story without giving some closure to the last chapter. We got a call about a girl a long time back. I want to say it was almost a year ago, but I can't remember the exact dates, it might have been January or February. We were instantly interested, and anxiously awaited more details, but things kept coming up, delaying the process, and we either figured or were told that they weren't going to move her at that time. Then a few weeks ago, we got another call about her. She was already in a foster home, so they didn't need immediate placement, but were talking about sometime in the future. Plans kept changing, and on Friday we got a call and were told she would be moved that day. As we waited anxiously for that call, it never came, and we assumed they found another home in her school district, which we knew was a possibility.

My parents and I had been trying to plan a field trip to the Creation Museum in Kentucky for several weeks, and it kept getting put off because we kept thinking we were about to get a placement. So after we thought she had been placed elsewhere, we decided to go ahead and go. We left for Kentucky at about noon on Monday, and arrived at 9 pm. The next morning, we got up, went to the museum, and after being there a couple hours, I got a text asking when I was coming home, because they needed placement now. First of all, it was a miracle that the text even came through. I was in the bottom level of the museum with absolutely no signal. That was God's providence! My heart just about jumped out of my chest. We waited around an hour or two, texting back and fourth, and making sure that they planned on placing her with us. And finally, we got that confirmation. We went back to the hotel, got dinner, packed up the van, and drove back overnight, arriving home at 6 am. She arrived at our house at about 4 that afternoon.

I can't share her with you now, but I'll tell you what I can. She is such a sweet, beautiful girl! She is almost 11, and she is keeping our boys in shape! =) They adore her, and they get along really well. Cory and I were so nervous. She has been through some rough things, and we didn't know what to expect, but she listens well, she keeps her things nice and tidy (maybe she could teach the boys a thing or two) and she is so sweet! She literally fit right into our family like she should have been here all along. She is bonding with Cory and myself, and she genuinely seems happy. She is either legally-free, or will be soon, so I believe there is a very real and strong possibility that we could adopt her one day, although we still have to foster her at least 6 months first. We have only had her 3 days, but already she has been the biggest blessing to us. We prayed about everything and just put the situation in God's hands, and this was the plan He had for us. I am so thankful, and already so very much in love!

Update

Wow, what a summer! This has been a challenging but rewarding time in our lives. Baby girl will be 10 weeks old tomorrow! I can't believe how fast it has flown by. We have absolutely fallen in love with her! 

This whole time, we have known there is a real possibility that she could be leaving us. A few days ago, we were told that the parents were doing well, and could possibly be on track to regain custody in December. Yesterday we got a call from our social worker that it could be sooner than we expected. They are still looking into relative placement, and they might be moving her as soon as next week. That was heartbreaking to hear. 

I suppose at first I had very high hopes of keeping her, but as we were updated on what's going on, it seemed more and more likely that it wouldn't work out like that. For the past several weeks, I have been praying that God would give me peace about His plans. It can be so hard to accept that what I so desperately want isn't what He wants for us. I believe He is working in me, and while the thought still saddens me, I know that God is in control, and He is going to do what's best for us and for her.

People have asked me if this doesn't work out, would I be able to do it again. How can I stand to fall in love, only to have her taken away? How can I put my heart out there like that? I have to trust that even though she was only here for a short time, there was a reason for that. I hope to maintain a relationship with her, and the family, and share the love of Jesus with them. 

I am trusting that if this isn't God's plan for us, He has a child for us, and that it will be well worth the wait. Holding onto that hope and having something to look forward to makes all of this a little easier. 

With all of the terrible Planned Parenthood videos going around, I am so saddened by all of this evil. I know there are many people outraged about it, and want them shut down. There are so many children out there that need homes, and as Christians, we are called to care for the orphans. I urge you all to pray about adopting or fostering. Maybe adoption isn't God's plan for your life, but one thing is for sure, you are not called it sit and watch all of this play out. Pray about what He wants for you. We can make a difference by providing a loving home for these unwanted children. This is God's plan for us, and while it can be challenging, it has brought us so much joy, and we wouldn't trade it for the world!

God doesn't call the strong, He strengthens the called.

Times of Uncertainty

I'm sitting here holding this beautiful baby girl. We've had her all but 3 days of her whole life. When we decided to be foster parents, I didn't realize how hard it would be. The emotions I have felt have been so strong and so real. I have spent the last two weeks praying and asking God to fix my attitude and give me peace about this situation. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. 

It's no secret that I wanted a baby. She is so beautiful and perfect as she can be. Ever since bringing her home from the hospital, I've had to tell myself that she's not ours, but I didn't listen to myself very well. I love this girl like she was my own, and it's hard not to feel defensive or upset when they talk about taking her away. As far as what's going to happen, it could go either way. Children have to be in foster care for at least year before the parent's rights can be terminated. That gives the parents a chance to get their life back together. If that doesn't happen, then they can make them legally free for adoption. They usually give the foster parents the option of adopting them first. 

In our case, they are looking for relatives that would be willing to take her and are able to pass all their inspections and background checks, and relatives are always given priority. Knowing what I do about this case, which isn't a whole lot, that thought scares me. I feel like she would be so much better off with us, and I fear that putting her back into that situation will result in a difficult life, possibly in and out of foster care, and most importantly, a life unexposed to Jesus. But I have to remember that Jesus loves this little girl more than I do, and God's plan for her is better than mine, He knows all things, and He won't be surprised when things turn out "unexpectedly". There are so many obstacles in our way of being able to one day adopt her, and either God is going to work all these things out, and when we look back on it, it will be an amazing and breathtaking story where you can see his work, and give Him all the glory. Or she will be leaving us, and we just have to trust God. 

Here are some promises I'm leaning on.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world! John 16:33

We are Foster Parents!!

    We finally heard back about our foster care license, and as of April 8th, we are approved foster parents!! I am so excited! We could literally get a placement at any time. We tried just adopting through the foster care system, and we inquired and inquired on dozens of children, but none of them ever worked out. Some we were turned down because we were out of state, some because the child needed to be the youngest or the oldest, some because they didn't want any siblings, some because they didn't want brothers, and so on. We were getting quite discouraged, so we decided to go the foster care route.

    We still intend to adopt. Fostering to adopt definitely comes with a risk. The child may or may not become available for adoption. There's a risk of getting very attached only to have the child placed back with their parents. But a lot of times, the child does become available for adoption, and the foster parents usually are given the option of adopting them first. So that's what we are hoping for. I sat down with the boys and explained to them what foster care was, and the differences between fostering and adopting, and explained to them that just because we get a child, doesn't mean she is here to stay. They need to be prepared for that, because it's going to be very hard on them.

    I also closed down my shop. There are still a few items left, and you can find them at my Facebook page, For Beautiful Baby. I created an album trying to sell the last bit of clothing. My sewing room was set up in the spare bedroom, and we will probably not get much of a notice about a placement. Usually when they take the child out of the home, they pretty much bring them straight to us. So we have to be ready!

Here was some of the mess, although I hadn't started taking things out of the closet. I wish I had taken a picture of that so you all could understand just what a big mess we had! You couldn't walk in there. But a huge shout out to Hubs who worked all weekend toting boxes and doing all the heavy lifting for me. What would I do without him!?

Here it is all cleaned out, except for my remaining dresses. I'm still trying to sell those rather than store them. 

And here it is, empty except for a nightstand and an old bed. 

    Once we get the call, and know what we're getting (we're open to any age between 0-12) we can set it up quickly. I still have the crib and bedding I made in storage under our house. The bed that's currently in there is very old (the mattress is an ancient artifact wrapped in plastic, but we had to have a bed in there to pass our home study). If we get an older child, I want to buy a new bed, but I don't want to do that now in case we get a baby, in which case, we'll toss this one out and set up the crib. 

    I spoke to my amazing boss, and told him the chances of me getting a call and just not coming back in were pretty high, and he was very excited for me! He is completely understanding, and letting me stay on until something happens. I have an amazing, supportive group of after school staff, and they will be able to carry on without me without missing a beat, if it comes to that. 

Y'all, I am so excited, it is just about impossible for me to be patient any more! It has been a long 3 years. Please, please pray for us! This is going to be more challenging than I think, but whatever God has in store for us will be so worth it!

Making Plans

      It has been almost 3 months since we found out it wasn't going to work out with Victoria. It's been a challenging time. I guess sometimes I'm surprised at how much it affected us. We had never even met her. How could she have this big of an impact? Every time I saw her picture, it would bring back that sadness, but I couldn't bring myself to delete it. I still get a little upset when we talk about her. But we are talking about her, and maybe even accepting the fact that it's time to move on. I suppose I still held on hope that something might work out. I still feel deep down that she should have been ours, and it's hard to accept that she's not. Cory and I were talking about her the other night, and he opened up about how hard it was for him. I knew he was hurting far more than he let on, but I wish guys would talk about things during that difficult time.

      Part of moving on is looking back into children's profiles. We sat down and did this a few weeks after it happened, and I found myself getting cranky, and even a little angry. I guess I wasn't ready for that yet. But we are looking again. I still haven't heard back from our NC foster care people, and I know state agencies tend to move slowly. We are still approved in Texas, however, and they have a lot more children on their list. We've submitted a few inquiries, and I'm waiting to hear back from those. Sometimes they take forever, though. It's frustrating. I'm hoping they don't keep turning us down because we're out of state. We've checked every profile very carefully for that little statement before inquiring.

      I'm starting to wonder if God's plans for us are different than our plans. I think He may have used this experience to make us more open, and that is something that we're praying about. I feel like maybe we put too many limits on what we would consider, and God is putting us through this to make us more open to what He has planned. Please pray for us! We need guidance and patience and wisdom. I'm going to let God take the lead on this, and just see what He has in store!


But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9