Another Ending

If you've followed my blog and our story at all, you would know that I'm terrible about regular updates. Life can be so busy sometimes, and I realize I haven't written in weeks, or even months! Sometimes the subject is hard and I just don't know what to say. That's probably more the case here. Last I wrote, K was with us for about three months. We ended up having her for about six months total. She left us about six weeks ago. I think part of my reason for not writing was because I had some guilt about things not working out, and also partly because I didn't want to discourage anyone thinking about fostering. But the reality is that some of these kids are going to be really tough, some of them you can't help, and some of them just don't fit with your family.

Things went great for the first few months, and then it started to go down hill. We had issues that we couldn't seem to resolve, and only seemed to be getting worse, and we felt like she might benefit from being an only child. It was a tough choice, but one we felt would be easier made sooner than later. I still pray for her and that she would remember the things she learned with us, and the things she learned in church, and that things would work out for her. 

If you are considering fostering or adopting, know that these children are going to have some issues, and make sure you get the training to know how to deal with those issues. It is so important. I wish we could have helped her more, but I know that God had his reasons for her brief time with us, and I pray the seeds that we planted would grow.

3 Months In

Miss Thang has been here a little over 3 months now. It feels shorter and longer than that at the same time. It feels like she's always been here, yet the time she has been just flew by. I love this girl so much! Most days are wonderful. I can see her blossoming, and feeling more secure about fitting in with us. I can see her determination to please us. She has a very sweet nature, and she is so full of life and creativity, and genuinely an entertaining person. I know this is where she belongs, and I am so happy and so blessed to have her in our family. 

But, I'm just going to be honest here with you guys, there are days when I am struggling. You know how preteens just push against every boundary and rule that you have, and try to see how much it takes to break you? For those of you that don't have kids or don't know, just think back to when you were a kid and how much you grieved your parents. If you think you were an angel, kindly ask your parents to remind you what a snot you could be sometimes. =P 

Seriously, though, she is doing that, times 100. Our therapist said that this is normal behavior, but she is just worse because she has been in and out of foster care. And I know what she's doing. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it easier. She is pushing those boundaries to see if we'll follow through with consequences. She has to determine that if she tests us, we will stand strong. She interprets that as we are strong people that she can depend on, and that we can protect her, and that we will love her no matter what. She wants to see if there's anything that she could do to make us stop loving her. She figures that if we are going to stop loving her, better sooner than later. So she is really testing us. This is what she has to do to feel secure, and to feel safe enough to finally feel at home. 

It can be so hard to sit there during a hour long battle about something so silly, like trying on a pair of jeans, with plenty of defiance, tears and wailing of how we're ruining her life. To be firm but calm. To keep our tone in check. To keep anger out of our eyes. And to bite my tongue when I feel like saying something out of anger, something that could do irreparable damage, not because I truly mean it, but because I'm at my wits end. And I don't know if this is a normal teen thing or not (because I was an angel, and can't remember doing this) but you just can't reason with them. The more defensive she gets, the more irrational she gets.

For example:

K: "It's like you're trying to ruin my life!!!"

Me: "Sweetheart, trying on this pair of jeans is not going to ruin your life."

K: "How do YOU know? You don't know my feelings!"

Me: "Okay, how could it possibly ruin your life?"

K: "I never said it would ruin my life."

Me: "You just said--nevermind. Well, it won't ruin your life."

K: "It might ruin my life. You don't know that. You can't see the future!"

Me: "WHA--?! (Takes deep breath) Okay, give me one possible scenario where this could seriously affect you."

K: "I never said it would. I didn't say that."

Me: (Takes a deep breath. Remembers to put love back into my icy stare.) "Just try on the jeans. I just want to see if they fit."

K: "Why are you FORCING me to do everything I don't want to do!?"

Tell me I am not alone in this. Tell me that other parents have survived this! Everyday I am praying that God would give me the patience, wisdom, and endurance to get through this and be the best parent I can be. I frequently have to check my attitude, and pray for forgiveness. Sometimes I have to apologize to her for getting way too upset while "forcing her to do stuff." But I will never give up. I am making tons of mistakes as I go, but I will never stop trying to improve. I will never stop loving her because of something she has done. This is what she needs. And as hard as it can be sometimes, this is what God has given us. And even with all of the rough patches, she is a sweet blessing from Him! 

10 Weeks

   We've had K for 10 weeks now. It's strange because it feels like so much longer than that, like she's just always been here. She is doing really great, and adjusting well. I have learned so much in the past several weeks, things that you know, but can't know until you go through it. Getting an older child is tough, but also such a blessing. I have had to spend plenty of time on my knees praying that God would help me through this, especially when I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing.

   Having a preteen is tough. Getting a preteen with no chance to establish a relationship beforehand is really tough. But I am so proud of her and what she has accomplished. We've had several weeks where there was some testing of limits, and push back on the rules. There would be times when she would have a meltdown over something so small, (And I mean a screaming and crying for 30 minutes meltdown) and I would wonder what in the world I had gotten myself into. But she is trying so hard to please us. Now when we have a moment where I have to lay down the law, and I just know that she's going to throw a fit, she just takes a minute, and says "Okay." She may make it clear she's not a fan of that rule, but like I tell her, you don't have to like it, you just have to follow it.

   She still tries to push those limits and see what she can get away with. Some times I feel like I'm just fussing at her all day long. And I feel so bad, and think to myself that she's going to think I don't like her, and I'm out to get her. But no matter what fights we get into, she always seems to just adore me. She writes me notes telling me I'm "the most awesome person in the world." She always wants to sit beside me, and go places with me. I think to myself, "I'm getting on my own nerves, all this fussing and lecturing." But as weird as it sounds, it's like she is more content after I put my foot down. I've always heard that children crave boundaries and rules, and with her, I can definitely see that.

   Some things I've learned and had to remind myself the past few weeks. I've had to love her for who she is, and not who I want her to be. As silly as it sounds, before her, I had this nice little life with my little routines, and my children who listened well, and didn't argue with me, and did things like I liked them. When she came along, all the sudden I had this independent child who doesn't do things like I like them, and doesn't wear what I want her to wear, and argues with me over just about everything. And she is always right. No matter how many times I've proved her wrong on things, she always thinks she knows better than me. And for me, it's been hard to say, "that's not how I do it, but your way is just as good." Or to be patient with her when we go out on the beach in mid January to do a polar plunge, and she's arguing with me that all she needs is a towel, and we do not need to pack lots of dry clothes, socks, blankets, and all that good stuff. (For the record, she didn't go through with it. She didn't believe me when I told her the water would be painfully cold. She did, however, spend 45 minutes on the beach in her bathing suit in 32 degree weather doing handstands and looking for shells!)

   To see her really start to trust us is another major milestone! When she first came here, the first night, she said she sleeps so much better without a light on. And I'm thinking, "That's great! I just learned that children aren't supposed to sleep with lights on!" Then she got a lamp for her birthday, and every night, she wanted to sleep with it on. And so every night, that light stayed on all night long, and while I resisted saying anything, I'm thinking of all the reasons why we should just make her turn it off. Then all of the sudden, she started sleeping with it off. The thought never occurred to me until Cory said it, but I think she was scared before because of her horrible past, and turning off that lamp was like saying, "Okay, now I know I'm safe here, and I can feel safe in the dark because I trust you guys." Sometimes I have to remind myself to think like her. Some of her actions aren't defiant, and she's not trying to push my buttons (all the time). It's what she's always had to do, and it's her survival mechanism.

   We talk openly about adopting her. The social worker has started the paper work and the process to terminate the parent's rights so we can start that process, but we've been told it will likely be a year before all that will make it through the court systems. She said she's okay with that, as long as she knows she's here to stay. But she's also expressed worries that some accident might happen where they'll have to move her. That's why she was moved out of her last foster home. When she left one of her relative's homes, they packed her up and told her she was going to camp for a week. She didn't know she was being moved to a foster home. Poor thing, I can't imagine how she must be feeling thinking about all that.

   Please continue to pray for us. Pray for patience for Cory and I, and pray that we would continue to give her what she needs, and earn her trust. Pray for continued healing from her past, and pray that she would come to know and love Jesus, the one who can really heal her!

I was waiting for that family to want me...

Tonight, as I went into the office to grab a piece of paper, I noticed there was a 1-inch thick stack of paper jammed into the printer. I yanked and pulled and couldn't get it out. But don't worry, my handsome hubby is a computer whiz, and knew exactly what to do. As I looked around wondering how that happened, I noticed several sheets in the trash can. Right away I recognized the large, curly font. It was another love letter, although this time the printer jammed before the job was done, and apparently she gave up and scrapped it. Since it was just the ending, I looked in my recent documents and found the rest of the letter. I copied and pasted it below, just as she had written it.

Dear ,Anna, I just   wanted   to say  Ilove you  mommy .I   am very thankful  of what you have gave me ,and what you have done for me too!  I  know that  I did not give you a gift or nothing , but I   still  love you know matter what happines .When I was in foster care  I  was praying a lot about a  family who want s  me and that I  was going  there very soon.  I cried  so much as I was  waiting  for that family to whant   me . Now I am so much better to be with a  very nice ,silly but very  cool family!  After all  that sadness  lets  just say I love you very much mommy!!!!!!! 

This is what it's all about, people. This beautiful child has 5 half siblings, and when they were taken into custody, she sat and watched all of her sibling's paternal families come forward to take them and raise them, and she was left all alone, just wanting to be a part of a family, and feel loved and wanted. Please consider opening your heart and your home to foster children. Every child deserves to be loved!

Love Letter

   Today is Thanksgiving, and I am so very thankful! I'm thankful for my God who knows the plans He has for us. I'm thankful for my family, and I am so incredibly blessed to spend life with them! I'm thankful for so many things, but I'm not going to list them all, because I want time to eat some turkey! 

   Last night I received a love letter that melted my heart! Here's what it said:

Dear Anna,

I love you so much. Honestly I consider you my one and only mom! Every time I look at you, I smile because I think of you being my mom, forever and ever! So the reason I am writing you is because you are totally deserving a couple comments for your very hard work. So remember what ever happens I will always love you, so very MUCH!!!!!

   We've had K for just over 2 weeks now, and things are going amazing! Sure, there's been some adjusting, new family, new rules, but she is fitting in so well, and we love her so much! She is a daddy's girl, which Cory loves! She has called us "mommy and daddy" several times, and I think she's trying it out, seeing how it feels.

   She is not legally free yet, but they are starting that process, and her social worker said she did not forsee any issues popping up. She's been in foster care for quite a while, so any family that would have been interested has already come forward and has not worked out. I believe this is really it! I believe we are her forever family, and I think she's trying to tell us she thinks that too! ❤️

Bad News, Good News

It has been 7 weeks since baby girl left us. I have typed out this blog posts 5 times, but I never could finish it and post it. When she left, it broke my heart. I miss her more than I could ever express. Even though she wasn't mine, I loved her as though she was. She was the sweetest baby, always smiling. We got her when she was 4 days old, and had to give her back when she was 3 1/2 months old. I was allowed to visit her 5 days after she left, and as soon as she heard my voice, she looked up at me, and wiggled and kicked, wanting me to pick her up. Leaving her that day was even harder than the day she left.

I'll be honest, I cried. A lot. I'm sure I cried almost every day for the first 5 weeks. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I kept looking at her pictures and videos, knowing I was torturing myself, but I just wanted to see her so bad. Everything reminded me of her. And knowing she will forget me is almost more than I could bear. Sometimes I don't know how I made it through those first several weeks. Cory was a huge support. He was mourning too in his own way, but he was always patient with me, and comforted me the best he could. I honestly felt like I was mourning a death, and really, it was as sudden and final as that. But the whole time, God was with me. It brought me closer to Him, and I am so thankful to serve a God who loves me and cares for me. I have learned to trust him more, and slowly but surely, my heart is mending. I still get a little emotional, but I am able to think of the memories I have, and it brings a smile to my face rather than tears. She was a blessing to us, and God has His reasons for her being with us, even for such a short time. I will always love her and cherish our memories.

I felt like I couldn't tell this part of our story without giving some closure to the last chapter. We got a call about a girl a long time back. I want to say it was almost a year ago, but I can't remember the exact dates, it might have been January or February. We were instantly interested, and anxiously awaited more details, but things kept coming up, delaying the process, and we either figured or were told that they weren't going to move her at that time. Then a few weeks ago, we got another call about her. She was already in a foster home, so they didn't need immediate placement, but were talking about sometime in the future. Plans kept changing, and on Friday we got a call and were told she would be moved that day. As we waited anxiously for that call, it never came, and we assumed they found another home in her school district, which we knew was a possibility.

My parents and I had been trying to plan a field trip to the Creation Museum in Kentucky for several weeks, and it kept getting put off because we kept thinking we were about to get a placement. So after we thought she had been placed elsewhere, we decided to go ahead and go. We left for Kentucky at about noon on Monday, and arrived at 9 pm. The next morning, we got up, went to the museum, and after being there a couple hours, I got a text asking when I was coming home, because they needed placement now. First of all, it was a miracle that the text even came through. I was in the bottom level of the museum with absolutely no signal. That was God's providence! My heart just about jumped out of my chest. We waited around an hour or two, texting back and fourth, and making sure that they planned on placing her with us. And finally, we got that confirmation. We went back to the hotel, got dinner, packed up the van, and drove back overnight, arriving home at 6 am. She arrived at our house at about 4 that afternoon.

I can't share her with you now, but I'll tell you what I can. She is such a sweet, beautiful girl! She is almost 11, and she is keeping our boys in shape! =) They adore her, and they get along really well. Cory and I were so nervous. She has been through some rough things, and we didn't know what to expect, but she listens well, she keeps her things nice and tidy (maybe she could teach the boys a thing or two) and she is so sweet! She literally fit right into our family like she should have been here all along. She is bonding with Cory and myself, and she genuinely seems happy. She is either legally-free, or will be soon, so I believe there is a very real and strong possibility that we could adopt her one day, although we still have to foster her at least 6 months first. We have only had her 3 days, but already she has been the biggest blessing to us. We prayed about everything and just put the situation in God's hands, and this was the plan He had for us. I am so thankful, and already so very much in love!

Update

Wow, what a summer! This has been a challenging but rewarding time in our lives. Baby girl will be 10 weeks old tomorrow! I can't believe how fast it has flown by. We have absolutely fallen in love with her! 

This whole time, we have known there is a real possibility that she could be leaving us. A few days ago, we were told that the parents were doing well, and could possibly be on track to regain custody in December. Yesterday we got a call from our social worker that it could be sooner than we expected. They are still looking into relative placement, and they might be moving her as soon as next week. That was heartbreaking to hear. 

I suppose at first I had very high hopes of keeping her, but as we were updated on what's going on, it seemed more and more likely that it wouldn't work out like that. For the past several weeks, I have been praying that God would give me peace about His plans. It can be so hard to accept that what I so desperately want isn't what He wants for us. I believe He is working in me, and while the thought still saddens me, I know that God is in control, and He is going to do what's best for us and for her.

People have asked me if this doesn't work out, would I be able to do it again. How can I stand to fall in love, only to have her taken away? How can I put my heart out there like that? I have to trust that even though she was only here for a short time, there was a reason for that. I hope to maintain a relationship with her, and the family, and share the love of Jesus with them. 

I am trusting that if this isn't God's plan for us, He has a child for us, and that it will be well worth the wait. Holding onto that hope and having something to look forward to makes all of this a little easier. 

With all of the terrible Planned Parenthood videos going around, I am so saddened by all of this evil. I know there are many people outraged about it, and want them shut down. There are so many children out there that need homes, and as Christians, we are called to care for the orphans. I urge you all to pray about adopting or fostering. Maybe adoption isn't God's plan for your life, but one thing is for sure, you are not called it sit and watch all of this play out. Pray about what He wants for you. We can make a difference by providing a loving home for these unwanted children. This is God's plan for us, and while it can be challenging, it has brought us so much joy, and we wouldn't trade it for the world!

God doesn't call the strong, He strengthens the called.