Times of Uncertainty

I'm sitting here holding this beautiful baby girl. We've had her all but 3 days of her whole life. When we decided to be foster parents, I didn't realize how hard it would be. The emotions I have felt have been so strong and so real. I have spent the last two weeks praying and asking God to fix my attitude and give me peace about this situation. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. 

It's no secret that I wanted a baby. She is so beautiful and perfect as she can be. Ever since bringing her home from the hospital, I've had to tell myself that she's not ours, but I didn't listen to myself very well. I love this girl like she was my own, and it's hard not to feel defensive or upset when they talk about taking her away. As far as what's going to happen, it could go either way. Children have to be in foster care for at least year before the parent's rights can be terminated. That gives the parents a chance to get their life back together. If that doesn't happen, then they can make them legally free for adoption. They usually give the foster parents the option of adopting them first. 

In our case, they are looking for relatives that would be willing to take her and are able to pass all their inspections and background checks, and relatives are always given priority. Knowing what I do about this case, which isn't a whole lot, that thought scares me. I feel like she would be so much better off with us, and I fear that putting her back into that situation will result in a difficult life, possibly in and out of foster care, and most importantly, a life unexposed to Jesus. But I have to remember that Jesus loves this little girl more than I do, and God's plan for her is better than mine, He knows all things, and He won't be surprised when things turn out "unexpectedly". There are so many obstacles in our way of being able to one day adopt her, and either God is going to work all these things out, and when we look back on it, it will be an amazing and breathtaking story where you can see his work, and give Him all the glory. Or she will be leaving us, and we just have to trust God. 

Here are some promises I'm leaning on.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world! John 16:33

We are Foster Parents!!

    We finally heard back about our foster care license, and as of April 8th, we are approved foster parents!! I am so excited! We could literally get a placement at any time. We tried just adopting through the foster care system, and we inquired and inquired on dozens of children, but none of them ever worked out. Some we were turned down because we were out of state, some because the child needed to be the youngest or the oldest, some because they didn't want any siblings, some because they didn't want brothers, and so on. We were getting quite discouraged, so we decided to go the foster care route.

    We still intend to adopt. Fostering to adopt definitely comes with a risk. The child may or may not become available for adoption. There's a risk of getting very attached only to have the child placed back with their parents. But a lot of times, the child does become available for adoption, and the foster parents usually are given the option of adopting them first. So that's what we are hoping for. I sat down with the boys and explained to them what foster care was, and the differences between fostering and adopting, and explained to them that just because we get a child, doesn't mean she is here to stay. They need to be prepared for that, because it's going to be very hard on them.

    I also closed down my shop. There are still a few items left, and you can find them at my Facebook page, For Beautiful Baby. I created an album trying to sell the last bit of clothing. My sewing room was set up in the spare bedroom, and we will probably not get much of a notice about a placement. Usually when they take the child out of the home, they pretty much bring them straight to us. So we have to be ready!

Here was some of the mess, although I hadn't started taking things out of the closet. I wish I had taken a picture of that so you all could understand just what a big mess we had! You couldn't walk in there. But a huge shout out to Hubs who worked all weekend toting boxes and doing all the heavy lifting for me. What would I do without him!?

Here it is all cleaned out, except for my remaining dresses. I'm still trying to sell those rather than store them. 

And here it is, empty except for a nightstand and an old bed. 

    Once we get the call, and know what we're getting (we're open to any age between 0-12) we can set it up quickly. I still have the crib and bedding I made in storage under our house. The bed that's currently in there is very old (the mattress is an ancient artifact wrapped in plastic, but we had to have a bed in there to pass our home study). If we get an older child, I want to buy a new bed, but I don't want to do that now in case we get a baby, in which case, we'll toss this one out and set up the crib. 

    I spoke to my amazing boss, and told him the chances of me getting a call and just not coming back in were pretty high, and he was very excited for me! He is completely understanding, and letting me stay on until something happens. I have an amazing, supportive group of after school staff, and they will be able to carry on without me without missing a beat, if it comes to that. 

Y'all, I am so excited, it is just about impossible for me to be patient any more! It has been a long 3 years. Please, please pray for us! This is going to be more challenging than I think, but whatever God has in store for us will be so worth it!

Making Plans

      It has been almost 3 months since we found out it wasn't going to work out with Victoria. It's been a challenging time. I guess sometimes I'm surprised at how much it affected us. We had never even met her. How could she have this big of an impact? Every time I saw her picture, it would bring back that sadness, but I couldn't bring myself to delete it. I still get a little upset when we talk about her. But we are talking about her, and maybe even accepting the fact that it's time to move on. I suppose I still held on hope that something might work out. I still feel deep down that she should have been ours, and it's hard to accept that she's not. Cory and I were talking about her the other night, and he opened up about how hard it was for him. I knew he was hurting far more than he let on, but I wish guys would talk about things during that difficult time.

      Part of moving on is looking back into children's profiles. We sat down and did this a few weeks after it happened, and I found myself getting cranky, and even a little angry. I guess I wasn't ready for that yet. But we are looking again. I still haven't heard back from our NC foster care people, and I know state agencies tend to move slowly. We are still approved in Texas, however, and they have a lot more children on their list. We've submitted a few inquiries, and I'm waiting to hear back from those. Sometimes they take forever, though. It's frustrating. I'm hoping they don't keep turning us down because we're out of state. We've checked every profile very carefully for that little statement before inquiring.

      I'm starting to wonder if God's plans for us are different than our plans. I think He may have used this experience to make us more open, and that is something that we're praying about. I feel like maybe we put too many limits on what we would consider, and God is putting us through this to make us more open to what He has planned. Please pray for us! We need guidance and patience and wisdom. I'm going to let God take the lead on this, and just see what He has in store!


But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9 

Foster Parents

It's been a little over a month since we received disappointing news about the child we were pursuing. I still get sad when I think about it, but I'm eager to move on and finally get a placement. When we started the process for Victoria, we thought we were going to have to become fully licensed foster parents. After we started that process, we realized that that wasn't a requirement, but we decided to follow through with it. I'm glad we did, and maybe that was God's purpose in all of that.

We pretty much finished up everything we needed to do for that. We had to do all the paperwork from scratch, redo all of the fingerprints and background checks, and do several home study visits. The only thing we're waiting on is a form from the doctors that we already turned in, but somehow got misplaced. Once we turn that in, that will be the last of it, and our social worker will send our home study off so that hopefully we will become approved licensed foster parents. Once she sends it off, they have 50 days to make a decision, but hopefully it wont take that long.

Another neat thing was about half way through our MAPP classes (foster parenting training) we realized that one of our instructors lived in the next neighborhood over from us, had kids that went to our school, and her little boy was in Ryland's class! What a small world! It was nice to have that connection.

I really did learn a lot in our classes, and feel better prepared to parent an adopted child. I used to think my kiddos are turning out fine, we seem to have this parenting thing down okay. I hadn't considered that what these children have gone through affects the way they respond to everything. Normal parenting techniques might not work. These children might have some very extreme or unusual behaviors, and you can't focus on those behaviors, but rather figure out what need is not being met that could be causing those behaviors, and understanding what they're feeling.

For instance, if a child is hoarding food, that's a good indicator that they hadn't been adequately provided for, and maybe they are scared that you wont meet their basic needs either. So then how do you show that child that they don't need to worry about not getting enough food? By being patient with them, and constantly fulfilling that need until they can learn to trust you. Or if you get a child that was physically abused, and you spank your children. What type of message might that send them? We spank out of love, but do you think the child is going to see it that way? But if you spank your children, and use something different on the child, that also sends a message that the child is different because you're treating them differently. That's just a couple of different examples of things that I hadn't really thought about.

Anyways, I will definitely let you all know when we hear something. Please keep praying for us. This has been a long journey, and we're ready for it to be over!

Grieving Victoria

It all started a few months back. It had been almost 2 years of waiting with nothing to show. Our social worker told us that we had the option of looking at older children on adoption photo listings. I woke up one morning, browsed through sites, and found Victoria, a beautiful 12-year-old girl in Texas. Cory and I fell in love with her right away. She was perfect for our family! All we could think about was having her with us. We felt like part of us was missing, and that she should be here with us.

During our decision making phase, we prayed a lot! We prayed for guidance, and for doors to open. I was prepared for a baby. I had everything except for the car seat. Yet, I didn't care that I had spent hundreds of dollars on diapers, I just wanted her. We started thinking about all of the potential reasons why it wouldn't work out, but one by one, God provided answers. The biggest example I have was our concern for affording her tuition at school. But about three days later, I was promoted at work with a pay increase and tuition discount increase.

We had a very hard time finding someone who knew what we needed to do to start this process. She was in Texas in Foster Care, and we were in NC, approved to adopt an infant. Everyone we talked to gave us a different answer, and our agency had just lost two of their social workers due to them moving out of state, so they were too overwhelmed to be of much help to us. I probably made 50 phone calls trying to find someone that could help us.

Most people told us that we would probably have to become licensed foster parents. We searched for MAPP classes. That's the training course for parenting foster kids. Everywhere we called told us that they weren't having more classes until next year, and it would be a several month course. I was about to give up hope when I made one last call, and found a class that started that very night, and it would be over in 5 weeks. We got in the class, and learned so much!

We finally found a social worker who knew exactly what we needed to do, and she had helped families do exactly what we were trying to do. We spent three months doing classes, updating all of our paperwork, and everything else. We had to get our new home study to Texas before we could even find out more about Victoria. All we had was a picture and a paragraph about her interests. We didn't know what happened to her or anything.

The day before Thanksgiving, our Social Worker over-nighted our paper work to Texas. When they came back from break, they would have it. It wasn't a matter of whether they would accept us, it was when would they accept us. We were perfect for her, and she belonged with us. All of that hard work and paper cuts, and long nights of classes was worth it! We couldn't wait to fly to Texas to meet her.

I got a confirmation email from them saying they had received our paperwork, and just a couple of hours later, we received our rejection letter. It said that the selection committee had reviewed all applicants, and our family was not chosen. It did not even give us a reason. I sat there in shock reading it. On paper, we were the ideal family for her. How had they turned us down so quickly? They didn't even have to think about it! I had to contact them to get a reason. They said it had nothing to do with our family, but a judge had ordered the case worker to find a family in Texas. I don't think they had even really looked at our home study. They looked at our location and stuck us in the reject pile.

While we were in classes, we learned about the stages of grief. And I went through them all. That evening, I was a little sad, but mostly I just felt shock, like it hadn't sunk in. The next morning, I was devastated. I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt like I didn't want to adopt anymore, because it was supposed to be Victoria. Then I was angry. I was angry with our agency, and how they held us up. I was angry that they didn't bother to look at who we were, and the fact that we had just focused the last three months of our lives on working for this child.

I was bargaining. I kept thinking of all the ways I could change their mind. What if I called the judge and begged him to let her come with us. If he heard our story, surely he would know he had made a mistake. Then I was depressed, and all I could do was cry. She was never going to know how much we loved her and wanted her. Older children are so hard to place, and if she never gets adopted, she will feel so unloved and unwanted. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wanted to call out of work because I couldn't seem to pull myself together, but staying home, all I was doing was wallowing in my sorrow.

I am still very sad about it, but my anger has faded, and I've accepted it. We are emotionally weary, but we haven't given up. We are very confused as to what God's purpose was in all of this. Had we misinterpreted His will? Is He leading us this direction for another reason? Is our pain and suffering teaching us a valuable lesson? Where do we even go from here? I hope to someday understand His reasoning for this. I do know that He knows what's best for us. 

I also have to hold onto hope that He has bigger and better plans for Victoria. We never actually met her, but we became so attached, and to us, she was ours. We had made a place for her in our hearts. I pray that she is loved, cherished, well looked after, and that she is adopted.

"He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will." Ephesians 1:5

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Puzzle Fundraiser

I know most of you probably want an update. I really wish I could give you a good one. This month, it will be 2 years that we've been waiting for a placement. We are hoping to have wonderful news to share with you soon, but for now, we are still waiting.

Everyone knows adoption can be a very expensive thing. We have been fundraising through my Etsy shop that is linked on the right hand side of this page. Another fundraiser that we set up was a puzzle. Tonya, a sweet friend my mine, created this beautiful puzzle.

My picture isn't the best, but it says, "You are the labor of my heart, with all my strength I prayed."

I love this idea, and I didn't come up with it, but this is how it works. You can "purchase" a puzzle piece, and we write your name on the back of it. When we get our child, we give her the puzzle, and she will always have a reminder of all the people who were a part of our adoption journey. If you are interested in purchasing a puzzle piece, you can click on the "Donate" button on the right hand side, and donate through paypal. We (or you, if you're local) can also write a message on the border. We appreciate any amount you feel led to give, but most of all, it will be a reminder to her that she is loved, and so many people helped bring her home!

Home Study Update

     Yesterday we had our home study update meeting. We have been waiting for a placement for 21 months now. There hasn't been much to blog about, because we haven't even really heard anything lately. The visit was very short, about an hour long. We talked about the changes that have happened in the past couple years, and updated our information. Debra, our social worker, walked around to make sure the house was still in good shape, and there hadn't been any structural changes. Before Debra had arrived, my father-in-law had called to talk to Chase. Chase told him that we were cleaning up because a lady was coming to see if our house was clean enough, and to find out if we would clean up after a baby.    

      Debra said that in the world of adoption, there are busy periods, and there are very slow periods. I remember when we were first applying with the agency, they were really busy. It seemed like every time I called, they were at the hospital with a birth mother. And then the past two years have been super slow. They've had a lot of women calling for information, but rarely do they follow through with adoption. She said in talking to other agencies, they are experiencing the same thing. It's kind of frustrating, but I know that it's all in God's timing.

     She also talked to us about a couple of other options that we have. We can use multiple agencies in hopes of a quicker match. She also recommended that we let everyone know that we are hoping to adopt in the event that someone we know knows someone that is considering placing their child for adoption. She said it was actually quite common that people find a distant cousin in a different state, or a friend of a friend, and they do an independent adoption, which is actually considerably cheaper because you don't have the placement fee, which is the big fee. If we were able to do an independent adoption, that would save us about $12,000. Basically an independent adoption is where you adopt from someone without the agency as the go-between. There are risks involved in that, but it is usually quicker, with most families finding a child within the first year.

     We've been working on our fundraising. We are doing that primarily through my Etsy shop. The summer has been really slow, but I'm expecting it to pick up in the next couple of months for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Last year I stayed busy from October to December, so I'm praying for another busy season. I had the baby room all set up for a while, and I've been using it as my sewing room. I've been running out of room, so I took down a lot of the baby stuff. I was surprised because it made me a little sad. The room has been sitting there for a year and a half, and so it was practical to put it to good use, but I feel like I had worked so hard, and she's still not here.

     We did adopt a cat a few months back. I have been begging Cory for years to let me have a cat. He finally gave in, and I found a hypo-allergenic Balinese cat (related to the Siamese). He wanted to try it out first to make sure it really was hypoallergenic, so we told the kids we were babysitting him for a little while. After a couple of weeks, we decided to keep him. We sat the boys down and told them that Wyatt had a family that couldn't take care of him anymore, so we were going to adopt him, so that he would become part of our family now. They were so excited! He's really a beautiful cat!

     In other news, Chase is going into third grade, and Ryland is starting kindergarten this year! What??! We need a baby now, because his baby status is expiring in like two weeks! It's going to be really strange with him not around. He's my sidekick. He loves to go everywhere with me, even the grocery store. Every morning, we have "coffee snuggle time" (yes, I let my 5-year-old have coffee, although it's mostly milk). I'm sure when I get used to it, I will really enjoy my kid-free time, but for now, the thought of it makes me a little sad.