Petition for Adoption

Yesterday was a big day! It seemed so surreal going to the lawyer's office and signing that paperwork to file a petition for adoption. All the paperwork on our end is done. We are literally waiting for everything to get through the court system. They are saying by the end of the year, everything should be finished. I think I envisioned this big day in court, like you see in the movies, where the judge proclaims that she's officially adopted, bangs his gavel, and everyone cheers. But it's just paperwork. They said they could have an official court ceremony if we wanted to, and I might. It's just such a big, significant event, and I feel like we should have pictures.

I just can not wait till I can share pictures with you all! I know some people have asked why I put a sticker over her face. It is a privacy thing, and once she's officially adopted, I can share her beautiful little face with you all. I have SO much I want to share! She has such a silly personality, and she loves to get Levi laughing.

I feel like life is finally settling down some. I'm not going to lie, this past year has been an overwhelming whirlwind at times. Adjusting from two very self-sufficient older children to four children, two being babies, was rough. There were days I cried. Cried from exhaustion, frustration, feeling incapable and overwhelmed. It's chaotic trying to nurse a baby while your two-year-old is trying to climb on the kitchen counter and flood the kitchen floors with the sink nozzle, or flush things down the toilet, or any other number of mischievous acts. She is so darn cute, but man, does she have a knack for getting into trouble! And she is very strong willed, and could throw a temper tantrum like you wouldn't believe.  I was constantly reminded that I alone am not capable of this, and I needed to lean on my savior for strength. He called me to this, and He will help me through it. 

We are getting into a rhythm. She is using her words more, which helps tremendously. Being able to communicate her wants cuts back on the tantrums significantly. It's still hard, but I know this phase of life will be gone too soon, and I'll look back and remember how cute and little they used to be. I'll forget how hard it was, and wish I could go back, just for a day, to when they were little! 

Parenting Is Hard!

Sometimes I just feel like a bad mom. Do you ever feel that way? I always thought my parents had it all together, always knew how to handle every situation, and never second guessed themselves. Now I wonder if they fumbled through it like I'm doing. Half the time, I have no clue what to do, the other half of the time, I'm totally faking it. Maybe some of you mamas have it all figured out, but parenting for me is a bunch of trial and error. I struggle with being consistent, I yell at my kids to stop yelling. I tell them they can't have any more sugar because it's bad for them, as I lock myself in the pantry and scarf down a bag of M&Ms. You can't fault me on the last one. It's been a hard day, and there's only so many toddler tantrums you can take. It's either chocolate or vodka, and I'm nursing right now. I'm kidding. 

I try to be real with you guys. I am still learning as I go. I am dealing with several stages. I have Levi, my almost 8 month old, that's still waking up at nights, and teething. Seriously, he has four teeth that are literally about to pop through the gums.

And he's in that stage where he's whining unless I'm holding him. He won't sleep in his crib, and he won't sleep unless he's snuggled up with me. So by the time I get everyone else to bed, I'm still holding him half the night. I'm not wishing it away. He is seriously the best cuddler there is, but I need a break! 

Then there's Little Miss Independent. She's a feisty, strong-willed child. Every thing is a battle, from buckling her car seat, to washing her hair, to going potty. And I try to let her do these things for herself. After all, these are important life skills. But sometimes she can't quite do it, and she's mad and screaming in frustration, and I try to help, which makes it worse. Then throw in the fact that we're in a hurry. I was not ready for her to be potty trained, but here we are, and she was determined to do it. Now even going # 1 takes like 10 minutes. She sits on the potty and wants to play with the toilet paper and everything else besides go potty. Ain't nobody got time for that!

And from the older two, I'm dealing with attitudes, not wanting to be helpful, and constant sibling rivalry. If it weren't for my awesome new shampoo, I'd have no hair left! 😂 

 

I love my children with a fierceness! They make me crazy sometimes, and raising four kids is a lot of work, but this is one of the most important jobs in the world! These tiny humans are going to be the next generation. They will be the ones running the country, or working in hospitals to save lives, and most importantly, the ones responsible for sharing the good news of Jesus with the world. When I get tired and start to complain, I need to remind myself that I have little ones watching me. When I loose my temper, what am I teaching them about how to react to situations? Are they seeing me love and respect my husband? What about doing hard work without complaining because it's the job God gave me? Am I raising disciples for Christ?

Train up a child in the way he should go;
Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Parenting is hard. When I feel overwhelmed, I need to spend some time in my bible, and in prayer, with my savior. I can't do this alone. I am completely dependent on Him, and if I ask him for strength to get through the day, He gives it! I need His wisdom and patience to handle tough situations! I need Christ in every aspect of my life! Especially in parenting!

I'm No Supermom

Once again, I have to apologize for being so inconsistent. But, in my defense, I have 4 kids. Who has time to blog regularly?

Whew, what a crazy year it has been! Let me just give a shout out to moms of multiple little ones. A whole new level of respect. Especially rambunctious little ones. It is so hard! It's hard when you're exhausted and nap schedules rarely ever align perfectly so that you can rest too. It's hard when your baby is still keeping you up half the night, and your toddler is ready to go, bright and early. It's hard when your older kids tell you they miss spending time with you. It's hard when you haven't been on a date with your hubby (alone, without diaper bags and multiple car seats) in 10+ months. It's hard when you feel like you've spent days trying to get the house tidied up, only to realize you haven't even been able to keep up with your toddler dragging things out behind you. And it's hard when you've served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner 3 times already this week. I do not always enjoy this phase. 

What I do know is that my Heavenly Father is humbling me. There are a lot of layers of pride He has to peel away. I am not the supermom people think I am. I have 4 kids, and there are days when I'm so weary, I just cry. Then I put away my self-pity, get on my knees, and ask God to give me the strength, patience, and grace to get through the day. And He does. I desperately need Him, and He's reminding me of that. If you're feeling overwhelmed, you don't have to do it alone. 

As hard as it can be sometimes, I love my family, and I know this was God's plan. These are the hard years. I know it gets easier, and when they are bigger, I will look back on this time and remember the good things. I won't think of the times when I scrubbed crayons off the walls, or mopped up toilet water, or picked up all the toys we've ever owned for the third time that day. I'll think of the cuddles and giggles. The sweet milestones, and the way J loves her "buddy" Levi. I will say, "Look how little and cute they were!" And I'll miss it. And they will be all grown up. 

I do have an exciting update to share. We are finally moving forward with this adoption process. I just got a call that the parent's rights have been terminated. They have 30 days to appeal, which I don't think they will do. Once that happens, we will start the adoption process. So it looks like it could be finalized by the end of the summer. I can not wait to finally share pictures of our sweet little girl with you! While I've know for a while that this was the likely outcome, the realization that soon she will be ours, like officially, it's hard to wrap my mind around! I've always known she was the one. I just can't believe it's finally coming to a close. This has been a long 5 years, and our adoption journey is finally almost over!

Let's just have a good cry.

This blog post is not really about us fostering or adopting. I just just had my first very irrational melt down this pregnancy. I've cried plenty of times, but I think most of them I had a fairly good excuse. But now, as I sit laughing at myself, I just thought I'd share with you all.

First of all, let me tell you about my day. I'm exhausted. For those of you that don't know me well, I'm a bit of a clean freak. Not that my house is always clean, but it really gets to me when it isn't. I get cranky, and I feel claustrophobic when the house is a disaster. Even as a kid, my close friends called me a perfectionist and a neat freak. I used to clean my sister's rooms just because the mess bothered me. In my current state, I am just not able to keep up. I'm slow, so it takes me at least five times longer to accomplish anything, and it piles up and makes me crazy. So either I completely wear myself out cleaning, or I live in squalor. Today I over-did it. I washed, folded, and put away 3 loads of laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I took out trash. I picked up toys and shoes, and cups, and everything else laying around the house. I can't even figure out how it gets so messy so fast. And all the while, little J is following me around dragging things right back out. During her naps, I went outside to try to finish up the weedeating. I am utterly and completely exhausted. My hips are killing me. And I haven't showered.

So car line time rolls around. I've been showing up at the school a little later lately because our school's car line is ridiculous, and when I sit in it for 30 minutes, poor baby in the back seat doesn't like that. So I show up right at the very end when it's about over. I pull up to the school with no intention of getting out, and there's no one outside. My heart just sinks. I sat there for a couple more minutes hoping that my kids would see me out the window and come running out. That doesn't happen. I mutter not nice things under my breath, and climb out of the van. Now, I'm wearing non-maternity XL sweatpants. My t-shirt that Alison tye-dyed for me 15 years ago might as well be a net shirt with all the holes in it. My hair is a mess, and I stink. I look down at myself. My shirt doesn't even cover half my belly, so I have to hike my sweatpants up past my belly button. Like, I have a wedgie for the history books. That makes my fat, swollen ankles stick out of the bottom like I'm expecting a flood. At least my pedicure still looks good. I take baby J out of the van and try to hold her in a way so that she's covering the most holes in my shirt.

I waddle inside the school, peek inside the office window, and there they are. Chase sees me immediately, and they try to run out to me, but Mrs. Trunchbull blocks them with her arm in the door way and tells me I have to come in and sign them out. Are you kidding me? I'm like 2 minutes later than usual! I gulp some air, and walk into the office, full of people. There's a lady signing her kids out in front of me, so I stand there and wait. She must be writing a novel or something, what in the world is taking her so long?! Chase reaches for J and says, "Let me hold the baby!" "No!" I whisper-snap to him. (She's covering the holes in in my shirt.) He reaches for her again, and shes leaning out of my arms trying to go to him. "Stop it! I"m holding her!" I snap again. Finally the lady in front of me finishes, and I sign them out. I rush out of the building with my head down feeling mortified. Chase asks me why I'm in such a hurry, and I just lost it. I told them I was just tired and cranky, and just saying that makes me burst into tears. I buckle everyone in, and drive home, trying to wipe away tears as fast as they fall. The kids ask me whats wrong, and I just reply with the usual, "Nothing."

We pull into the drive way, I wait for the kids to get out and get the baby out. As soon as the doors close, that was the moment I was waiting for. I start sobbing hysterically. I just needed to cry and let it out. I sob loudly. It feels good. A couple minutes later, the passenger door opens, my husband climbs in, and just sits there patiently. At this point, I'm ashamed. Now I know I'll have to explain why I'm crying. I continue to sob, snort and sniffle a few minutes more until I'm able to regain my composure. He asks me if I'm okay. I told him I was fine, just tired and embarrassed to tell him why I was crying. And of course, he responds with, "Don't be embarrassed! I understand you have hormones going on." So I tell him about how I had to walk into school looking like this, and how Chase kept trying to take the baby, and I just wanted to hold her to cover up my holey t-shirt, which by the way, was impossible. Then he says, "Well, at least you had a bra on." That made me laugh and cry at the same time. We laughed together for a few minutes, then head inside. I told him I was headed straight for the shower, and as I close the door, I hear Chase ask, "So what did you find out, Dad?" I'd love to hear what he said.

Don't worry, I'm in bed now with my feet propped up. My babysitters are home, and doing a fantastic job of entertaining, and I'm trying to rest. And please, I know there are those of you that will tell me to not over do it, and take it easy. I don't want to hear it. I don't do it on purpose, but seriously, I have three kids. Unless you want to hire me a maid and a cook, things have to get done around here!

Parenting Class

Baby girl J has been with us for 6 weeks now. It has been absolutely amazing having her back. I missed her so much, and it just feels like our family is incomplete without her. She's a little mess, but she is so stinking cute, so it's all worth it!

You guys know I'm a huge advocate for foster care. Fostering has its challenges for sure, but it's so rewarding, and we can do so much good for these kids, even if it is for a short while. We are with the Boys and Girls Homes, and I love them. Our social workers are amazing, caring, understanding women, and they have been a huge support to us in tough times. If you are interested in fostering, or maybe you aren't sure, but out of curiosity would like to know more, these ladies would love to come out and talk to a group of you, your church, or whatever, and just tell you more about what they do and how the process works. I know there is a lot of interest because I have had so many people reach out to me because of our story and my blog wanting more information. Let me know, and I can get you in touch.

Every year the Boys and Girls Homes have a foster parent training day, and this was our second year going. Both times it has been amazing. We learn so much about parenting, from tough, damaged kids to our own fairly well-behaved kids. We took the kids with us this year. As I dropped the kids off at the babysitting station, I worried about baby J being without us for 5 hours, like she couldn't survive without us. I gave her a kiss and walked out the door while she yelled, "Mama! Mama!" 5 1/2 hours later we walk in there to pick her up, and 5 teenage girls run up to me saying, "Oh my goodness, is this your baby?! So is SO cute! We were all fighting over her. We just love her! Everyone wanted to hold her!" I look over at J who is just babbling and flirting and charming everyone. You guys, I wish I could post a picture of this baby for you all to see, but trust me when I say she is so stinking cute! And you know I had her nails painted, her chunky bead necklace on, her rhinestone sandals, and a big ole flowery headband on her. She is a diva, and what can I say, I've always loved dressing up baby dolls! =P

Anyways, I'd like to share a little of what I learned this year. This is probably going to be a huge shock to some of you, but I'm not what you would call a morning person. I'm more of a morning monster, and I'll be honest, my poor kids suffer because of it. My husband is a night owl because of personality and work, so the mornings are all up to me. I roll out of bed after hitting snooze as many times as possible, cursing myself because I've overslept and now we have to rush. I go in their room and yell at them to "Get up right NOW or you're going to be late!" (Like it was their fault.) I scramble around the kitchen getting lunches together, making sure bags are packed and so fourth. I change J's diaper, yell at them that they better be out here in TWO MINUTES or else they will regret the day they were born, and grab them a granola bar because we didn't have time for breakfast.

As we get in the car 5 minutes later than we should have, I lecture them the whole way to school about how irresponsible it is for them to sleep in and make us rush to school, and almost late every day. As I speed through yellow stoplights, think about flipping off several other drivers who have the audacity to get in front of me and drive slow, and groan in frustration at the long car line, the boys just sit quietly nibbling on their granola bars. As we pull up to the drop off spot, I tell them I love them and to have a great day and learn a lot. I'm sure that gives them warm, fuzzy feelings after being yelled at all morning. I drive home feeling guilty, and I pray for forgiveness, and tell myself tomorrow morning will be better. What a terrible example I am! How short I fall in showing them God's love and patience and kindness! This is not our story every morning, but it does happen sometimes, and when I am cranky, I can find it very hard to control myself.

Yesterday's big lesson was basically this: The quickest way to change a child's behavior is to control your own. Bam. There it was, in my face. I have a terrible time with that sometimes. When I am particularly tired, stressed, and have had a bad day, I am a terrible mom. The boys will be fighting over something, usually one particular angel irritating the snot out of the other one, and when I've had enough, I will SLAM the pot down that I'm cooking in, STOMP over into the living room, and yell at them that, "IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELVES, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THE WORST TROUBLE OF YOUR LIFE!!!" What am I communicating to them? Because I'm certainly not modeling self-control. It sounds so obvious, but in the heat of the moment, I forget myself, and my ugliness comes out. I am so thankful for my savior who has covered all my sins, past and present, but I feel so sorry for my kids who still have to endure my sin! Cory and I talked on the way home, both feeling very convicted. We came up with a code word to use in case one of us is starting to loose our patience and our cool. And I am asking you all to pray for us too. Parenting can be so hard sometimes, right? Especially when the one who is supposed to be a good example is failing miserably!

Another good thing we learned was sometimes discipline, which means 'to teach', is better served as a patient lesson rather than a consequence. If your child is obviously upset and says something rude and uncalled for, instead of jumping on them with, "You don't speak to me that way, you are so grounded!" try this. "I know that you know what you just said to me was wrong. And that tells me that whatever it is on your mind is bothering you more than any consequence I could give you. So here's what I want you to do. Grab some chips, I'll grab the salsa, and we'll meet outside on the patio in 2 minutes so that you can tell me what's upsetting you, and I can help you find a better way to deal with it." That teaches the child 2 things: How to deal with issues rather than taking them out on someone, and that they can always come to you when they are upset. How likely will they come to you when they need you if they know you're just going to yell, get mad and ground them? And some kids listen better when they aren't looking you in the eye. There was so much more that we learned, but it was a 5-hour talk, so I'm not going to repeat it all. But seriously good stuff!

This week I am praying intentionally for myself, my husband, and all the other struggling parents out there. Parenting is hard, but it's the most important job that we have. But I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Shared Parenting

Whew, what a crazy 3 weeks it has been! It's been a long time since we've had a 1-year-old! Moms of little ones, here's a shout out to you, because honestly I forgot how exhausting it can be! She is into everything. If you were to walk through my house right now, you would see tupperware, shoes, toys, movies, snacks, torn up tissues, movies, and lots of other things laying all around the floor, all from one tiny little person. I literally can not keep up with cleaning up after her. I will be investing in some more cabinet locks and a trashcan with a lid this week!

Poor baby was sick all last week, and boy was she a grouch. It is is emotionally and mentally draining to deal with a crabby, whiny baby all day long! You tell her no, and she falls on the floor crying hysterically. What a drama queen! But as crazy as life is for us right now, I can't help but smile and think about how awesome my God and His plans are. I wouldn't trade this for anything. It still hasn't completely sunk in that she's back. I love this little girl so much, and this is something I prayed for so hard! I just never imagined I'd be pregnant when she came back. I am kicking myself because just a few months ago I got rid of my perfectly good double stroller. In three months, I will have a newborn and an 18-month old. I am definitely going to need another double stroller.

I wanted to talk a little bit about shared parenting. If you are a foster parent or thinking about becoming one, this is something you will learn about. When we were in our training classes, they told us that when we have children, we need to practice shared parenting, which means keeping the parents in the loop, sending them pictures, updates, asking their advice or opinions on things, etc. My first thought was that was crazy, and I had no intention of buddying up with these parents and asking their advice. If anything, they needed my advice. When we got baby J, and the social worker asked me to reach out to mom and update her on how she was doing, I had this horrible pit in my stomach.

As I made the phone call, my hands were shaking, and I honestly thought that mom would think I was rubbing it in her face that I had her baby and she didn't. She sounded so relieved that I had called, and thanked me for letting her know that her baby was okay. She gave me her email address, and over the next few weeks, I sent her regular updates and pictures. It was definitely awkward for me, and as I told her about all the special firsts she had, doctor appointments, and just little details like how she smiled while she slept, mom started to trust me, and see the love I had for her child. As time went on, it became natural, and we developed a relationship. I was even invited to stay for some of the visitations, and felt very included in the family. I worked extra hard to build my relationship with the family, and when we learned that J would be leaving us to live with her grandma, I was so sad, but so thankful that there was a relationship there. After J left, the family still sent me pictures and updates on how she was doing, and while I missed her terribly, it was not a complete loss. I was even invited to come to a couple of the visitations and see her.

When grandma realized that she could no longer care for J, she told the social worker, "I don't want her to go anywhere but Anna's house. I know how much she loves her, and I can trust her to take good care of her." I can not tell you what that meant to me. Had I not built this trust and relationship, she might not be back here with us now. It can be hard. In our case, wanting to adopt so badly, deep down I felt like I didn't want to share too much, or to be too encouraging because honestly I didn't want her to go back. I had to constantly remind myself that God had a plan, and I needed to stop meddling and trust Him. I needed to share Christ's love with them, and use this opportunity to share the gospel with these people. It was a huge lesson in trust for me, and looking back, I can see his plan coming together, and am so thankful that He knows best! Even if your child is not meant to come back to you, you still have a chance to be in their lives. You still have a requirement to share the gospel with people, and really its such a beautiful opportunity to do so. When most people would be judgmental of the families, you show them love, understanding, patience, and compassion, and what better way to share Christ?!

As far as how long J will be with us, we still don't know for sure, but I think it's safe to say that she will be here at least through October. They have court in October, and we will find out then if they make changes to her permanency plan. Once again, I am having to remind myself that God has a plan, and just trust him with that. Please be praying for us, that I would have more chances to share the gospel with the family, and no matter the outcome, God would be glorified!

Baby J is Back!

Some of you may remember last summer when we got a sweet newborn baby girl, Baby J. She stayed with us for almost 4 months, when DSS moved her to live with her grandmother. I loved that sweet baby like my own child, and it was so very hard to let her go. I have stayed in touch with her grandmother over the last 10 months, and she occasionally sent me updates and pictures. It was evident that she was well loved and being cared for, but I missed her so much! 

Monday morning I woke up to a message on my phone asking if I would be willing to take her again. Grandma had too much going on, and was not able to care for her at this time. I could not believe my eyes. I sat there crying like a baby, and waited all morning to get a confirmation from DSS. Finally I got the call, and I picked up my sweet baby girl that afternoon. This week has been exhausting keeping up with an energetic little walker that's into EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

She adjusted so well! I don't know if it's possible for her to remember us, but it was like she did. I was concerned about it because at this age, so many children have separation anxiety, and I thought leaving her grandmother, who stayed with her and cared for her 24/7 would be extremely hard on her. But she is as happy as can be. She is sweet, loves to snuggle, and laughs and giggles all the time. She loves the cat, loves to go swimming, and loves to play outside. The boys have had a blast taking care of her too. We have been scrambling to baby proof the house, because if she can get into it, she will. 

As far as how long she will be staying with us, we can't say. I wish I knew, but I know God has a plan for her, and I am just enjoying every minute that I have with her. Please pray for her family. They are going through so much right now, especially grandma. She had a very hard time giving her up, but because of her current situation, she knew she just couldn't give her what she needed, and made a very selfless decision. I've had a few chances to share the gospel with her. Please pray that God would use that, and that there would be more opportunities, and that she would be saved through this. 

People are looking at me like I'm crazy when I'm out in public with 3 kids, one being a baby, and obviously quite pregnant, but hey, I don't care! I love the craziness of it all. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

Another Ending

If you've followed my blog and our story at all, you would know that I'm terrible about regular updates. Life can be so busy sometimes, and I realize I haven't written in weeks, or even months! Sometimes the subject is hard and I just don't know what to say. That's probably more the case here. Last I wrote, K was with us for about three months. We ended up having her for about six months total. She left us about six weeks ago. I think part of my reason for not writing was because I had some guilt about things not working out, and also partly because I didn't want to discourage anyone thinking about fostering. But the reality is that some of these kids are going to be really tough, some of them you can't help, and some of them just don't fit with your family.

Things went great for the first few months, and then it started to go down hill. We had issues that we couldn't seem to resolve, and only seemed to be getting worse, and we felt like she might benefit from being an only child. It was a tough choice, but one we felt would be easier made sooner than later. I still pray for her and that she would remember the things she learned with us, and the things she learned in church, and that things would work out for her. 

If you are considering fostering or adopting, know that these children are going to have some issues, and make sure you get the training to know how to deal with those issues. It is so important. I wish we could have helped her more, but I know that God had his reasons for her brief time with us, and I pray the seeds that we planted would grow.

3 Months In

Miss Thang has been here a little over 3 months now. It feels shorter and longer than that at the same time. It feels like she's always been here, yet the time she has been just flew by. I love this girl so much! Most days are wonderful. I can see her blossoming, and feeling more secure about fitting in with us. I can see her determination to please us. She has a very sweet nature, and she is so full of life and creativity, and genuinely an entertaining person. I know this is where she belongs, and I am so happy and so blessed to have her in our family. 

But, I'm just going to be honest here with you guys, there are days when I am struggling. You know how preteens just push against every boundary and rule that you have, and try to see how much it takes to break you? For those of you that don't have kids or don't know, just think back to when you were a kid and how much you grieved your parents. If you think you were an angel, kindly ask your parents to remind you what a snot you could be sometimes. =P 

Seriously, though, she is doing that, times 100. Our therapist said that this is normal behavior, but she is just worse because she has been in and out of foster care. And I know what she's doing. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it easier. She is pushing those boundaries to see if we'll follow through with consequences. She has to determine that if she tests us, we will stand strong. She interprets that as we are strong people that she can depend on, and that we can protect her, and that we will love her no matter what. She wants to see if there's anything that she could do to make us stop loving her. She figures that if we are going to stop loving her, better sooner than later. So she is really testing us. This is what she has to do to feel secure, and to feel safe enough to finally feel at home. 

It can be so hard to sit there during a hour long battle about something so silly, like trying on a pair of jeans, with plenty of defiance, tears and wailing of how we're ruining her life. To be firm but calm. To keep our tone in check. To keep anger out of our eyes. And to bite my tongue when I feel like saying something out of anger, something that could do irreparable damage, not because I truly mean it, but because I'm at my wits end. And I don't know if this is a normal teen thing or not (because I was an angel, and can't remember doing this) but you just can't reason with them. The more defensive she gets, the more irrational she gets.

For example:

K: "It's like you're trying to ruin my life!!!"

Me: "Sweetheart, trying on this pair of jeans is not going to ruin your life."

K: "How do YOU know? You don't know my feelings!"

Me: "Okay, how could it possibly ruin your life?"

K: "I never said it would ruin my life."

Me: "You just said--nevermind. Well, it won't ruin your life."

K: "It might ruin my life. You don't know that. You can't see the future!"

Me: "WHA--?! (Takes deep breath) Okay, give me one possible scenario where this could seriously affect you."

K: "I never said it would. I didn't say that."

Me: (Takes a deep breath. Remembers to put love back into my icy stare.) "Just try on the jeans. I just want to see if they fit."

K: "Why are you FORCING me to do everything I don't want to do!?"

Tell me I am not alone in this. Tell me that other parents have survived this! Everyday I am praying that God would give me the patience, wisdom, and endurance to get through this and be the best parent I can be. I frequently have to check my attitude, and pray for forgiveness. Sometimes I have to apologize to her for getting way too upset while "forcing her to do stuff." But I will never give up. I am making tons of mistakes as I go, but I will never stop trying to improve. I will never stop loving her because of something she has done. This is what she needs. And as hard as it can be sometimes, this is what God has given us. And even with all of the rough patches, she is a sweet blessing from Him! 

10 Weeks

   We've had K for 10 weeks now. It's strange because it feels like so much longer than that, like she's just always been here. She is doing really great, and adjusting well. I have learned so much in the past several weeks, things that you know, but can't know until you go through it. Getting an older child is tough, but also such a blessing. I have had to spend plenty of time on my knees praying that God would help me through this, especially when I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing.

   Having a preteen is tough. Getting a preteen with no chance to establish a relationship beforehand is really tough. But I am so proud of her and what she has accomplished. We've had several weeks where there was some testing of limits, and push back on the rules. There would be times when she would have a meltdown over something so small, (And I mean a screaming and crying for 30 minutes meltdown) and I would wonder what in the world I had gotten myself into. But she is trying so hard to please us. Now when we have a moment where I have to lay down the law, and I just know that she's going to throw a fit, she just takes a minute, and says "Okay." She may make it clear she's not a fan of that rule, but like I tell her, you don't have to like it, you just have to follow it.

   She still tries to push those limits and see what she can get away with. Some times I feel like I'm just fussing at her all day long. And I feel so bad, and think to myself that she's going to think I don't like her, and I'm out to get her. But no matter what fights we get into, she always seems to just adore me. She writes me notes telling me I'm "the most awesome person in the world." She always wants to sit beside me, and go places with me. I think to myself, "I'm getting on my own nerves, all this fussing and lecturing." But as weird as it sounds, it's like she is more content after I put my foot down. I've always heard that children crave boundaries and rules, and with her, I can definitely see that.

   Some things I've learned and had to remind myself the past few weeks. I've had to love her for who she is, and not who I want her to be. As silly as it sounds, before her, I had this nice little life with my little routines, and my children who listened well, and didn't argue with me, and did things like I liked them. When she came along, all the sudden I had this independent child who doesn't do things like I like them, and doesn't wear what I want her to wear, and argues with me over just about everything. And she is always right. No matter how many times I've proved her wrong on things, she always thinks she knows better than me. And for me, it's been hard to say, "that's not how I do it, but your way is just as good." Or to be patient with her when we go out on the beach in mid January to do a polar plunge, and she's arguing with me that all she needs is a towel, and we do not need to pack lots of dry clothes, socks, blankets, and all that good stuff. (For the record, she didn't go through with it. She didn't believe me when I told her the water would be painfully cold. She did, however, spend 45 minutes on the beach in her bathing suit in 32 degree weather doing handstands and looking for shells!)

   To see her really start to trust us is another major milestone! When she first came here, the first night, she said she sleeps so much better without a light on. And I'm thinking, "That's great! I just learned that children aren't supposed to sleep with lights on!" Then she got a lamp for her birthday, and every night, she wanted to sleep with it on. And so every night, that light stayed on all night long, and while I resisted saying anything, I'm thinking of all the reasons why we should just make her turn it off. Then all of the sudden, she started sleeping with it off. The thought never occurred to me until Cory said it, but I think she was scared before because of her horrible past, and turning off that lamp was like saying, "Okay, now I know I'm safe here, and I can feel safe in the dark because I trust you guys." Sometimes I have to remind myself to think like her. Some of her actions aren't defiant, and she's not trying to push my buttons (all the time). It's what she's always had to do, and it's her survival mechanism.

   We talk openly about adopting her. The social worker has started the paper work and the process to terminate the parent's rights so we can start that process, but we've been told it will likely be a year before all that will make it through the court systems. She said she's okay with that, as long as she knows she's here to stay. But she's also expressed worries that some accident might happen where they'll have to move her. That's why she was moved out of her last foster home. When she left one of her relative's homes, they packed her up and told her she was going to camp for a week. She didn't know she was being moved to a foster home. Poor thing, I can't imagine how she must be feeling thinking about all that.

   Please continue to pray for us. Pray for patience for Cory and I, and pray that we would continue to give her what she needs, and earn her trust. Pray for continued healing from her past, and pray that she would come to know and love Jesus, the one who can really heal her!

I was waiting for that family to want me...

Tonight, as I went into the office to grab a piece of paper, I noticed there was a 1-inch thick stack of paper jammed into the printer. I yanked and pulled and couldn't get it out. But don't worry, my handsome hubby is a computer whiz, and knew exactly what to do. As I looked around wondering how that happened, I noticed several sheets in the trash can. Right away I recognized the large, curly font. It was another love letter, although this time the printer jammed before the job was done, and apparently she gave up and scrapped it. Since it was just the ending, I looked in my recent documents and found the rest of the letter. I copied and pasted it below, just as she had written it.

Dear ,Anna, I just   wanted   to say  Ilove you  mommy .I   am very thankful  of what you have gave me ,and what you have done for me too!  I  know that  I did not give you a gift or nothing , but I   still  love you know matter what happines .When I was in foster care  I  was praying a lot about a  family who want s  me and that I  was going  there very soon.  I cried  so much as I was  waiting  for that family to whant   me . Now I am so much better to be with a  very nice ,silly but very  cool family!  After all  that sadness  lets  just say I love you very much mommy!!!!!!! 

This is what it's all about, people. This beautiful child has 5 half siblings, and when they were taken into custody, she sat and watched all of her sibling's paternal families come forward to take them and raise them, and she was left all alone, just wanting to be a part of a family, and feel loved and wanted. Please consider opening your heart and your home to foster children. Every child deserves to be loved!

Love Letter

   Today is Thanksgiving, and I am so very thankful! I'm thankful for my God who knows the plans He has for us. I'm thankful for my family, and I am so incredibly blessed to spend life with them! I'm thankful for so many things, but I'm not going to list them all, because I want time to eat some turkey! 

   Last night I received a love letter that melted my heart! Here's what it said:

Dear Anna,

I love you so much. Honestly I consider you my one and only mom! Every time I look at you, I smile because I think of you being my mom, forever and ever! So the reason I am writing you is because you are totally deserving a couple comments for your very hard work. So remember what ever happens I will always love you, so very MUCH!!!!!

   We've had K for just over 2 weeks now, and things are going amazing! Sure, there's been some adjusting, new family, new rules, but she is fitting in so well, and we love her so much! She is a daddy's girl, which Cory loves! She has called us "mommy and daddy" several times, and I think she's trying it out, seeing how it feels.

   She is not legally free yet, but they are starting that process, and her social worker said she did not forsee any issues popping up. She's been in foster care for quite a while, so any family that would have been interested has already come forward and has not worked out. I believe this is really it! I believe we are her forever family, and I think she's trying to tell us she thinks that too! ❤️

Bad News, Good News

It has been 7 weeks since baby girl left us. I have typed out this blog posts 5 times, but I never could finish it and post it. When she left, it broke my heart. I miss her more than I could ever express. Even though she wasn't mine, I loved her as though she was. She was the sweetest baby, always smiling. We got her when she was 4 days old, and had to give her back when she was 3 1/2 months old. I was allowed to visit her 5 days after she left, and as soon as she heard my voice, she looked up at me, and wiggled and kicked, wanting me to pick her up. Leaving her that day was even harder than the day she left.

I'll be honest, I cried. A lot. I'm sure I cried almost every day for the first 5 weeks. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I kept looking at her pictures and videos, knowing I was torturing myself, but I just wanted to see her so bad. Everything reminded me of her. And knowing she will forget me is almost more than I could bear. Sometimes I don't know how I made it through those first several weeks. Cory was a huge support. He was mourning too in his own way, but he was always patient with me, and comforted me the best he could. I honestly felt like I was mourning a death, and really, it was as sudden and final as that. But the whole time, God was with me. It brought me closer to Him, and I am so thankful to serve a God who loves me and cares for me. I have learned to trust him more, and slowly but surely, my heart is mending. I still get a little emotional, but I am able to think of the memories I have, and it brings a smile to my face rather than tears. She was a blessing to us, and God has His reasons for her being with us, even for such a short time. I will always love her and cherish our memories.

I felt like I couldn't tell this part of our story without giving some closure to the last chapter. We got a call about a girl a long time back. I want to say it was almost a year ago, but I can't remember the exact dates, it might have been January or February. We were instantly interested, and anxiously awaited more details, but things kept coming up, delaying the process, and we either figured or were told that they weren't going to move her at that time. Then a few weeks ago, we got another call about her. She was already in a foster home, so they didn't need immediate placement, but were talking about sometime in the future. Plans kept changing, and on Friday we got a call and were told she would be moved that day. As we waited anxiously for that call, it never came, and we assumed they found another home in her school district, which we knew was a possibility.

My parents and I had been trying to plan a field trip to the Creation Museum in Kentucky for several weeks, and it kept getting put off because we kept thinking we were about to get a placement. So after we thought she had been placed elsewhere, we decided to go ahead and go. We left for Kentucky at about noon on Monday, and arrived at 9 pm. The next morning, we got up, went to the museum, and after being there a couple hours, I got a text asking when I was coming home, because they needed placement now. First of all, it was a miracle that the text even came through. I was in the bottom level of the museum with absolutely no signal. That was God's providence! My heart just about jumped out of my chest. We waited around an hour or two, texting back and fourth, and making sure that they planned on placing her with us. And finally, we got that confirmation. We went back to the hotel, got dinner, packed up the van, and drove back overnight, arriving home at 6 am. She arrived at our house at about 4 that afternoon.

I can't share her with you now, but I'll tell you what I can. She is such a sweet, beautiful girl! She is almost 11, and she is keeping our boys in shape! =) They adore her, and they get along really well. Cory and I were so nervous. She has been through some rough things, and we didn't know what to expect, but she listens well, she keeps her things nice and tidy (maybe she could teach the boys a thing or two) and she is so sweet! She literally fit right into our family like she should have been here all along. She is bonding with Cory and myself, and she genuinely seems happy. She is either legally-free, or will be soon, so I believe there is a very real and strong possibility that we could adopt her one day, although we still have to foster her at least 6 months first. We have only had her 3 days, but already she has been the biggest blessing to us. We prayed about everything and just put the situation in God's hands, and this was the plan He had for us. I am so thankful, and already so very much in love!

Update

Wow, what a summer! This has been a challenging but rewarding time in our lives. Baby girl will be 10 weeks old tomorrow! I can't believe how fast it has flown by. We have absolutely fallen in love with her! 

This whole time, we have known there is a real possibility that she could be leaving us. A few days ago, we were told that the parents were doing well, and could possibly be on track to regain custody in December. Yesterday we got a call from our social worker that it could be sooner than we expected. They are still looking into relative placement, and they might be moving her as soon as next week. That was heartbreaking to hear. 

I suppose at first I had very high hopes of keeping her, but as we were updated on what's going on, it seemed more and more likely that it wouldn't work out like that. For the past several weeks, I have been praying that God would give me peace about His plans. It can be so hard to accept that what I so desperately want isn't what He wants for us. I believe He is working in me, and while the thought still saddens me, I know that God is in control, and He is going to do what's best for us and for her.

People have asked me if this doesn't work out, would I be able to do it again. How can I stand to fall in love, only to have her taken away? How can I put my heart out there like that? I have to trust that even though she was only here for a short time, there was a reason for that. I hope to maintain a relationship with her, and the family, and share the love of Jesus with them. 

I am trusting that if this isn't God's plan for us, He has a child for us, and that it will be well worth the wait. Holding onto that hope and having something to look forward to makes all of this a little easier. 

With all of the terrible Planned Parenthood videos going around, I am so saddened by all of this evil. I know there are many people outraged about it, and want them shut down. There are so many children out there that need homes, and as Christians, we are called to care for the orphans. I urge you all to pray about adopting or fostering. Maybe adoption isn't God's plan for your life, but one thing is for sure, you are not called it sit and watch all of this play out. Pray about what He wants for you. We can make a difference by providing a loving home for these unwanted children. This is God's plan for us, and while it can be challenging, it has brought us so much joy, and we wouldn't trade it for the world!

God doesn't call the strong, He strengthens the called.

Times of Uncertainty

I'm sitting here holding this beautiful baby girl. We've had her all but 3 days of her whole life. When we decided to be foster parents, I didn't realize how hard it would be. The emotions I have felt have been so strong and so real. I have spent the last two weeks praying and asking God to fix my attitude and give me peace about this situation. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. 

It's no secret that I wanted a baby. She is so beautiful and perfect as she can be. Ever since bringing her home from the hospital, I've had to tell myself that she's not ours, but I didn't listen to myself very well. I love this girl like she was my own, and it's hard not to feel defensive or upset when they talk about taking her away. As far as what's going to happen, it could go either way. Children have to be in foster care for at least year before the parent's rights can be terminated. That gives the parents a chance to get their life back together. If that doesn't happen, then they can make them legally free for adoption. They usually give the foster parents the option of adopting them first. 

In our case, they are looking for relatives that would be willing to take her and are able to pass all their inspections and background checks, and relatives are always given priority. Knowing what I do about this case, which isn't a whole lot, that thought scares me. I feel like she would be so much better off with us, and I fear that putting her back into that situation will result in a difficult life, possibly in and out of foster care, and most importantly, a life unexposed to Jesus. But I have to remember that Jesus loves this little girl more than I do, and God's plan for her is better than mine, He knows all things, and He won't be surprised when things turn out "unexpectedly". There are so many obstacles in our way of being able to one day adopt her, and either God is going to work all these things out, and when we look back on it, it will be an amazing and breathtaking story where you can see his work, and give Him all the glory. Or she will be leaving us, and we just have to trust God. 

Here are some promises I'm leaning on.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world! John 16:33

We are Foster Parents!!

    We finally heard back about our foster care license, and as of April 8th, we are approved foster parents!! I am so excited! We could literally get a placement at any time. We tried just adopting through the foster care system, and we inquired and inquired on dozens of children, but none of them ever worked out. Some we were turned down because we were out of state, some because the child needed to be the youngest or the oldest, some because they didn't want any siblings, some because they didn't want brothers, and so on. We were getting quite discouraged, so we decided to go the foster care route.

    We still intend to adopt. Fostering to adopt definitely comes with a risk. The child may or may not become available for adoption. There's a risk of getting very attached only to have the child placed back with their parents. But a lot of times, the child does become available for adoption, and the foster parents usually are given the option of adopting them first. So that's what we are hoping for. I sat down with the boys and explained to them what foster care was, and the differences between fostering and adopting, and explained to them that just because we get a child, doesn't mean she is here to stay. They need to be prepared for that, because it's going to be very hard on them.

    I also closed down my shop. There are still a few items left, and you can find them at my Facebook page, For Beautiful Baby. I created an album trying to sell the last bit of clothing. My sewing room was set up in the spare bedroom, and we will probably not get much of a notice about a placement. Usually when they take the child out of the home, they pretty much bring them straight to us. So we have to be ready!

Here was some of the mess, although I hadn't started taking things out of the closet. I wish I had taken a picture of that so you all could understand just what a big mess we had! You couldn't walk in there. But a huge shout out to Hubs who worked all weekend toting boxes and doing all the heavy lifting for me. What would I do without him!?

Here it is all cleaned out, except for my remaining dresses. I'm still trying to sell those rather than store them. 

And here it is, empty except for a nightstand and an old bed. 

    Once we get the call, and know what we're getting (we're open to any age between 0-12) we can set it up quickly. I still have the crib and bedding I made in storage under our house. The bed that's currently in there is very old (the mattress is an ancient artifact wrapped in plastic, but we had to have a bed in there to pass our home study). If we get an older child, I want to buy a new bed, but I don't want to do that now in case we get a baby, in which case, we'll toss this one out and set up the crib. 

    I spoke to my amazing boss, and told him the chances of me getting a call and just not coming back in were pretty high, and he was very excited for me! He is completely understanding, and letting me stay on until something happens. I have an amazing, supportive group of after school staff, and they will be able to carry on without me without missing a beat, if it comes to that. 

Y'all, I am so excited, it is just about impossible for me to be patient any more! It has been a long 3 years. Please, please pray for us! This is going to be more challenging than I think, but whatever God has in store for us will be so worth it!

Making Plans

      It has been almost 3 months since we found out it wasn't going to work out with Victoria. It's been a challenging time. I guess sometimes I'm surprised at how much it affected us. We had never even met her. How could she have this big of an impact? Every time I saw her picture, it would bring back that sadness, but I couldn't bring myself to delete it. I still get a little upset when we talk about her. But we are talking about her, and maybe even accepting the fact that it's time to move on. I suppose I still held on hope that something might work out. I still feel deep down that she should have been ours, and it's hard to accept that she's not. Cory and I were talking about her the other night, and he opened up about how hard it was for him. I knew he was hurting far more than he let on, but I wish guys would talk about things during that difficult time.

      Part of moving on is looking back into children's profiles. We sat down and did this a few weeks after it happened, and I found myself getting cranky, and even a little angry. I guess I wasn't ready for that yet. But we are looking again. I still haven't heard back from our NC foster care people, and I know state agencies tend to move slowly. We are still approved in Texas, however, and they have a lot more children on their list. We've submitted a few inquiries, and I'm waiting to hear back from those. Sometimes they take forever, though. It's frustrating. I'm hoping they don't keep turning us down because we're out of state. We've checked every profile very carefully for that little statement before inquiring.

      I'm starting to wonder if God's plans for us are different than our plans. I think He may have used this experience to make us more open, and that is something that we're praying about. I feel like maybe we put too many limits on what we would consider, and God is putting us through this to make us more open to what He has planned. Please pray for us! We need guidance and patience and wisdom. I'm going to let God take the lead on this, and just see what He has in store!


But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9 

Foster Parents

It's been a little over a month since we received disappointing news about the child we were pursuing. I still get sad when I think about it, but I'm eager to move on and finally get a placement. When we started the process for Victoria, we thought we were going to have to become fully licensed foster parents. After we started that process, we realized that that wasn't a requirement, but we decided to follow through with it. I'm glad we did, and maybe that was God's purpose in all of that.

We pretty much finished up everything we needed to do for that. We had to do all the paperwork from scratch, redo all of the fingerprints and background checks, and do several home study visits. The only thing we're waiting on is a form from the doctors that we already turned in, but somehow got misplaced. Once we turn that in, that will be the last of it, and our social worker will send our home study off so that hopefully we will become approved licensed foster parents. Once she sends it off, they have 50 days to make a decision, but hopefully it wont take that long.

Another neat thing was about half way through our MAPP classes (foster parenting training) we realized that one of our instructors lived in the next neighborhood over from us, had kids that went to our school, and her little boy was in Ryland's class! What a small world! It was nice to have that connection.

I really did learn a lot in our classes, and feel better prepared to parent an adopted child. I used to think my kiddos are turning out fine, we seem to have this parenting thing down okay. I hadn't considered that what these children have gone through affects the way they respond to everything. Normal parenting techniques might not work. These children might have some very extreme or unusual behaviors, and you can't focus on those behaviors, but rather figure out what need is not being met that could be causing those behaviors, and understanding what they're feeling.

For instance, if a child is hoarding food, that's a good indicator that they hadn't been adequately provided for, and maybe they are scared that you wont meet their basic needs either. So then how do you show that child that they don't need to worry about not getting enough food? By being patient with them, and constantly fulfilling that need until they can learn to trust you. Or if you get a child that was physically abused, and you spank your children. What type of message might that send them? We spank out of love, but do you think the child is going to see it that way? But if you spank your children, and use something different on the child, that also sends a message that the child is different because you're treating them differently. That's just a couple of different examples of things that I hadn't really thought about.

Anyways, I will definitely let you all know when we hear something. Please keep praying for us. This has been a long journey, and we're ready for it to be over!

Grieving Victoria

It all started a few months back. It had been almost 2 years of waiting with nothing to show. Our social worker told us that we had the option of looking at older children on adoption photo listings. I woke up one morning, browsed through sites, and found Victoria, a beautiful 12-year-old girl in Texas. Cory and I fell in love with her right away. She was perfect for our family! All we could think about was having her with us. We felt like part of us was missing, and that she should be here with us.

During our decision making phase, we prayed a lot! We prayed for guidance, and for doors to open. I was prepared for a baby. I had everything except for the car seat. Yet, I didn't care that I had spent hundreds of dollars on diapers, I just wanted her. We started thinking about all of the potential reasons why it wouldn't work out, but one by one, God provided answers. The biggest example I have was our concern for affording her tuition at school. But about three days later, I was promoted at work with a pay increase and tuition discount increase.

We had a very hard time finding someone who knew what we needed to do to start this process. She was in Texas in Foster Care, and we were in NC, approved to adopt an infant. Everyone we talked to gave us a different answer, and our agency had just lost two of their social workers due to them moving out of state, so they were too overwhelmed to be of much help to us. I probably made 50 phone calls trying to find someone that could help us.

Most people told us that we would probably have to become licensed foster parents. We searched for MAPP classes. That's the training course for parenting foster kids. Everywhere we called told us that they weren't having more classes until next year, and it would be a several month course. I was about to give up hope when I made one last call, and found a class that started that very night, and it would be over in 5 weeks. We got in the class, and learned so much!

We finally found a social worker who knew exactly what we needed to do, and she had helped families do exactly what we were trying to do. We spent three months doing classes, updating all of our paperwork, and everything else. We had to get our new home study to Texas before we could even find out more about Victoria. All we had was a picture and a paragraph about her interests. We didn't know what happened to her or anything.

The day before Thanksgiving, our Social Worker over-nighted our paper work to Texas. When they came back from break, they would have it. It wasn't a matter of whether they would accept us, it was when would they accept us. We were perfect for her, and she belonged with us. All of that hard work and paper cuts, and long nights of classes was worth it! We couldn't wait to fly to Texas to meet her.

I got a confirmation email from them saying they had received our paperwork, and just a couple of hours later, we received our rejection letter. It said that the selection committee had reviewed all applicants, and our family was not chosen. It did not even give us a reason. I sat there in shock reading it. On paper, we were the ideal family for her. How had they turned us down so quickly? They didn't even have to think about it! I had to contact them to get a reason. They said it had nothing to do with our family, but a judge had ordered the case worker to find a family in Texas. I don't think they had even really looked at our home study. They looked at our location and stuck us in the reject pile.

While we were in classes, we learned about the stages of grief. And I went through them all. That evening, I was a little sad, but mostly I just felt shock, like it hadn't sunk in. The next morning, I was devastated. I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt like I didn't want to adopt anymore, because it was supposed to be Victoria. Then I was angry. I was angry with our agency, and how they held us up. I was angry that they didn't bother to look at who we were, and the fact that we had just focused the last three months of our lives on working for this child.

I was bargaining. I kept thinking of all the ways I could change their mind. What if I called the judge and begged him to let her come with us. If he heard our story, surely he would know he had made a mistake. Then I was depressed, and all I could do was cry. She was never going to know how much we loved her and wanted her. Older children are so hard to place, and if she never gets adopted, she will feel so unloved and unwanted. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wanted to call out of work because I couldn't seem to pull myself together, but staying home, all I was doing was wallowing in my sorrow.

I am still very sad about it, but my anger has faded, and I've accepted it. We are emotionally weary, but we haven't given up. We are very confused as to what God's purpose was in all of this. Had we misinterpreted His will? Is He leading us this direction for another reason? Is our pain and suffering teaching us a valuable lesson? Where do we even go from here? I hope to someday understand His reasoning for this. I do know that He knows what's best for us. 

I also have to hold onto hope that He has bigger and better plans for Victoria. We never actually met her, but we became so attached, and to us, she was ours. We had made a place for her in our hearts. I pray that she is loved, cherished, well looked after, and that she is adopted.

"He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will." Ephesians 1:5

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Puzzle Fundraiser

I know most of you probably want an update. I really wish I could give you a good one. This month, it will be 2 years that we've been waiting for a placement. We are hoping to have wonderful news to share with you soon, but for now, we are still waiting.

Everyone knows adoption can be a very expensive thing. We have been fundraising through my Etsy shop that is linked on the right hand side of this page. Another fundraiser that we set up was a puzzle. Tonya, a sweet friend my mine, created this beautiful puzzle.

My picture isn't the best, but it says, "You are the labor of my heart, with all my strength I prayed."

I love this idea, and I didn't come up with it, but this is how it works. You can "purchase" a puzzle piece, and we write your name on the back of it. When we get our child, we give her the puzzle, and she will always have a reminder of all the people who were a part of our adoption journey. If you are interested in purchasing a puzzle piece, you can click on the "Donate" button on the right hand side, and donate through paypal. We (or you, if you're local) can also write a message on the border. We appreciate any amount you feel led to give, but most of all, it will be a reminder to her that she is loved, and so many people helped bring her home!