We've had K for 10 weeks now. It's strange because it feels like so much longer than that, like she's just always been here. She is doing really great, and adjusting well. I have learned so much in the past several weeks, things that you know, but can't know until you go through it. Getting an older child is tough, but also such a blessing. I have had to spend plenty of time on my knees praying that God would help me through this, especially when I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing.
Having a preteen is tough. Getting a preteen with no chance to establish a relationship beforehand is really tough. But I am so proud of her and what she has accomplished. We've had several weeks where there was some testing of limits, and push back on the rules. There would be times when she would have a meltdown over something so small, (And I mean a screaming and crying for 30 minutes meltdown) and I would wonder what in the world I had gotten myself into. But she is trying so hard to please us. Now when we have a moment where I have to lay down the law, and I just know that she's going to throw a fit, she just takes a minute, and says "Okay." She may make it clear she's not a fan of that rule, but like I tell her, you don't have to like it, you just have to follow it.
She still tries to push those limits and see what she can get away with. Some times I feel like I'm just fussing at her all day long. And I feel so bad, and think to myself that she's going to think I don't like her, and I'm out to get her. But no matter what fights we get into, she always seems to just adore me. She writes me notes telling me I'm "the most awesome person in the world." She always wants to sit beside me, and go places with me. I think to myself, "I'm getting on my own nerves, all this fussing and lecturing." But as weird as it sounds, it's like she is more content after I put my foot down. I've always heard that children crave boundaries and rules, and with her, I can definitely see that.
Some things I've learned and had to remind myself the past few weeks. I've had to love her for who she is, and not who I want her to be. As silly as it sounds, before her, I had this nice little life with my little routines, and my children who listened well, and didn't argue with me, and did things like I liked them. When she came along, all the sudden I had this independent child who doesn't do things like I like them, and doesn't wear what I want her to wear, and argues with me over just about everything. And she is always right. No matter how many times I've proved her wrong on things, she always thinks she knows better than me. And for me, it's been hard to say, "that's not how I do it, but your way is just as good." Or to be patient with her when we go out on the beach in mid January to do a polar plunge, and she's arguing with me that all she needs is a towel, and we do not need to pack lots of dry clothes, socks, blankets, and all that good stuff. (For the record, she didn't go through with it. She didn't believe me when I told her the water would be painfully cold. She did, however, spend 45 minutes on the beach in her bathing suit in 32 degree weather doing handstands and looking for shells!)
To see her really start to trust us is another major milestone! When she first came here, the first night, she said she sleeps so much better without a light on. And I'm thinking, "That's great! I just learned that children aren't supposed to sleep with lights on!" Then she got a lamp for her birthday, and every night, she wanted to sleep with it on. And so every night, that light stayed on all night long, and while I resisted saying anything, I'm thinking of all the reasons why we should just make her turn it off. Then all of the sudden, she started sleeping with it off. The thought never occurred to me until Cory said it, but I think she was scared before because of her horrible past, and turning off that lamp was like saying, "Okay, now I know I'm safe here, and I can feel safe in the dark because I trust you guys." Sometimes I have to remind myself to think like her. Some of her actions aren't defiant, and she's not trying to push my buttons (all the time). It's what she's always had to do, and it's her survival mechanism.
We talk openly about adopting her. The social worker has started the paper work and the process to terminate the parent's rights so we can start that process, but we've been told it will likely be a year before all that will make it through the court systems. She said she's okay with that, as long as she knows she's here to stay. But she's also expressed worries that some accident might happen where they'll have to move her. That's why she was moved out of her last foster home. When she left one of her relative's homes, they packed her up and told her she was going to camp for a week. She didn't know she was being moved to a foster home. Poor thing, I can't imagine how she must be feeling thinking about all that.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for patience for Cory and I, and pray that we would continue to give her what she needs, and earn her trust. Pray for continued healing from her past, and pray that she would come to know and love Jesus, the one who can really heal her!
