Petition for Adoption

Yesterday was a big day! It seemed so surreal going to the lawyer's office and signing that paperwork to file a petition for adoption. All the paperwork on our end is done. We are literally waiting for everything to get through the court system. They are saying by the end of the year, everything should be finished. I think I envisioned this big day in court, like you see in the movies, where the judge proclaims that she's officially adopted, bangs his gavel, and everyone cheers. But it's just paperwork. They said they could have an official court ceremony if we wanted to, and I might. It's just such a big, significant event, and I feel like we should have pictures.

I just can not wait till I can share pictures with you all! I know some people have asked why I put a sticker over her face. It is a privacy thing, and once she's officially adopted, I can share her beautiful little face with you all. I have SO much I want to share! She has such a silly personality, and she loves to get Levi laughing.

I feel like life is finally settling down some. I'm not going to lie, this past year has been an overwhelming whirlwind at times. Adjusting from two very self-sufficient older children to four children, two being babies, was rough. There were days I cried. Cried from exhaustion, frustration, feeling incapable and overwhelmed. It's chaotic trying to nurse a baby while your two-year-old is trying to climb on the kitchen counter and flood the kitchen floors with the sink nozzle, or flush things down the toilet, or any other number of mischievous acts. She is so darn cute, but man, does she have a knack for getting into trouble! And she is very strong willed, and could throw a temper tantrum like you wouldn't believe.  I was constantly reminded that I alone am not capable of this, and I needed to lean on my savior for strength. He called me to this, and He will help me through it. 

We are getting into a rhythm. She is using her words more, which helps tremendously. Being able to communicate her wants cuts back on the tantrums significantly. It's still hard, but I know this phase of life will be gone too soon, and I'll look back and remember how cute and little they used to be. I'll forget how hard it was, and wish I could go back, just for a day, to when they were little! 

Parenting Is Hard!

Sometimes I just feel like a bad mom. Do you ever feel that way? I always thought my parents had it all together, always knew how to handle every situation, and never second guessed themselves. Now I wonder if they fumbled through it like I'm doing. Half the time, I have no clue what to do, the other half of the time, I'm totally faking it. Maybe some of you mamas have it all figured out, but parenting for me is a bunch of trial and error. I struggle with being consistent, I yell at my kids to stop yelling. I tell them they can't have any more sugar because it's bad for them, as I lock myself in the pantry and scarf down a bag of M&Ms. You can't fault me on the last one. It's been a hard day, and there's only so many toddler tantrums you can take. It's either chocolate or vodka, and I'm nursing right now. I'm kidding. 

I try to be real with you guys. I am still learning as I go. I am dealing with several stages. I have Levi, my almost 8 month old, that's still waking up at nights, and teething. Seriously, he has four teeth that are literally about to pop through the gums.

And he's in that stage where he's whining unless I'm holding him. He won't sleep in his crib, and he won't sleep unless he's snuggled up with me. So by the time I get everyone else to bed, I'm still holding him half the night. I'm not wishing it away. He is seriously the best cuddler there is, but I need a break! 

Then there's Little Miss Independent. She's a feisty, strong-willed child. Every thing is a battle, from buckling her car seat, to washing her hair, to going potty. And I try to let her do these things for herself. After all, these are important life skills. But sometimes she can't quite do it, and she's mad and screaming in frustration, and I try to help, which makes it worse. Then throw in the fact that we're in a hurry. I was not ready for her to be potty trained, but here we are, and she was determined to do it. Now even going # 1 takes like 10 minutes. She sits on the potty and wants to play with the toilet paper and everything else besides go potty. Ain't nobody got time for that!

And from the older two, I'm dealing with attitudes, not wanting to be helpful, and constant sibling rivalry. If it weren't for my awesome new shampoo, I'd have no hair left! 😂 

 

I love my children with a fierceness! They make me crazy sometimes, and raising four kids is a lot of work, but this is one of the most important jobs in the world! These tiny humans are going to be the next generation. They will be the ones running the country, or working in hospitals to save lives, and most importantly, the ones responsible for sharing the good news of Jesus with the world. When I get tired and start to complain, I need to remind myself that I have little ones watching me. When I loose my temper, what am I teaching them about how to react to situations? Are they seeing me love and respect my husband? What about doing hard work without complaining because it's the job God gave me? Am I raising disciples for Christ?

Train up a child in the way he should go;
Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Parenting is hard. When I feel overwhelmed, I need to spend some time in my bible, and in prayer, with my savior. I can't do this alone. I am completely dependent on Him, and if I ask him for strength to get through the day, He gives it! I need His wisdom and patience to handle tough situations! I need Christ in every aspect of my life! Especially in parenting!

I'm No Supermom

Once again, I have to apologize for being so inconsistent. But, in my defense, I have 4 kids. Who has time to blog regularly?

Whew, what a crazy year it has been! Let me just give a shout out to moms of multiple little ones. A whole new level of respect. Especially rambunctious little ones. It is so hard! It's hard when you're exhausted and nap schedules rarely ever align perfectly so that you can rest too. It's hard when your baby is still keeping you up half the night, and your toddler is ready to go, bright and early. It's hard when your older kids tell you they miss spending time with you. It's hard when you haven't been on a date with your hubby (alone, without diaper bags and multiple car seats) in 10+ months. It's hard when you feel like you've spent days trying to get the house tidied up, only to realize you haven't even been able to keep up with your toddler dragging things out behind you. And it's hard when you've served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner 3 times already this week. I do not always enjoy this phase. 

What I do know is that my Heavenly Father is humbling me. There are a lot of layers of pride He has to peel away. I am not the supermom people think I am. I have 4 kids, and there are days when I'm so weary, I just cry. Then I put away my self-pity, get on my knees, and ask God to give me the strength, patience, and grace to get through the day. And He does. I desperately need Him, and He's reminding me of that. If you're feeling overwhelmed, you don't have to do it alone. 

As hard as it can be sometimes, I love my family, and I know this was God's plan. These are the hard years. I know it gets easier, and when they are bigger, I will look back on this time and remember the good things. I won't think of the times when I scrubbed crayons off the walls, or mopped up toilet water, or picked up all the toys we've ever owned for the third time that day. I'll think of the cuddles and giggles. The sweet milestones, and the way J loves her "buddy" Levi. I will say, "Look how little and cute they were!" And I'll miss it. And they will be all grown up. 

I do have an exciting update to share. We are finally moving forward with this adoption process. I just got a call that the parent's rights have been terminated. They have 30 days to appeal, which I don't think they will do. Once that happens, we will start the adoption process. So it looks like it could be finalized by the end of the summer. I can not wait to finally share pictures of our sweet little girl with you! While I've know for a while that this was the likely outcome, the realization that soon she will be ours, like officially, it's hard to wrap my mind around! I've always known she was the one. I just can't believe it's finally coming to a close. This has been a long 5 years, and our adoption journey is finally almost over!

Let's just have a good cry.

This blog post is not really about us fostering or adopting. I just just had my first very irrational melt down this pregnancy. I've cried plenty of times, but I think most of them I had a fairly good excuse. But now, as I sit laughing at myself, I just thought I'd share with you all.

First of all, let me tell you about my day. I'm exhausted. For those of you that don't know me well, I'm a bit of a clean freak. Not that my house is always clean, but it really gets to me when it isn't. I get cranky, and I feel claustrophobic when the house is a disaster. Even as a kid, my close friends called me a perfectionist and a neat freak. I used to clean my sister's rooms just because the mess bothered me. In my current state, I am just not able to keep up. I'm slow, so it takes me at least five times longer to accomplish anything, and it piles up and makes me crazy. So either I completely wear myself out cleaning, or I live in squalor. Today I over-did it. I washed, folded, and put away 3 loads of laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I took out trash. I picked up toys and shoes, and cups, and everything else laying around the house. I can't even figure out how it gets so messy so fast. And all the while, little J is following me around dragging things right back out. During her naps, I went outside to try to finish up the weedeating. I am utterly and completely exhausted. My hips are killing me. And I haven't showered.

So car line time rolls around. I've been showing up at the school a little later lately because our school's car line is ridiculous, and when I sit in it for 30 minutes, poor baby in the back seat doesn't like that. So I show up right at the very end when it's about over. I pull up to the school with no intention of getting out, and there's no one outside. My heart just sinks. I sat there for a couple more minutes hoping that my kids would see me out the window and come running out. That doesn't happen. I mutter not nice things under my breath, and climb out of the van. Now, I'm wearing non-maternity XL sweatpants. My t-shirt that Alison tye-dyed for me 15 years ago might as well be a net shirt with all the holes in it. My hair is a mess, and I stink. I look down at myself. My shirt doesn't even cover half my belly, so I have to hike my sweatpants up past my belly button. Like, I have a wedgie for the history books. That makes my fat, swollen ankles stick out of the bottom like I'm expecting a flood. At least my pedicure still looks good. I take baby J out of the van and try to hold her in a way so that she's covering the most holes in my shirt.

I waddle inside the school, peek inside the office window, and there they are. Chase sees me immediately, and they try to run out to me, but Mrs. Trunchbull blocks them with her arm in the door way and tells me I have to come in and sign them out. Are you kidding me? I'm like 2 minutes later than usual! I gulp some air, and walk into the office, full of people. There's a lady signing her kids out in front of me, so I stand there and wait. She must be writing a novel or something, what in the world is taking her so long?! Chase reaches for J and says, "Let me hold the baby!" "No!" I whisper-snap to him. (She's covering the holes in in my shirt.) He reaches for her again, and shes leaning out of my arms trying to go to him. "Stop it! I"m holding her!" I snap again. Finally the lady in front of me finishes, and I sign them out. I rush out of the building with my head down feeling mortified. Chase asks me why I'm in such a hurry, and I just lost it. I told them I was just tired and cranky, and just saying that makes me burst into tears. I buckle everyone in, and drive home, trying to wipe away tears as fast as they fall. The kids ask me whats wrong, and I just reply with the usual, "Nothing."

We pull into the drive way, I wait for the kids to get out and get the baby out. As soon as the doors close, that was the moment I was waiting for. I start sobbing hysterically. I just needed to cry and let it out. I sob loudly. It feels good. A couple minutes later, the passenger door opens, my husband climbs in, and just sits there patiently. At this point, I'm ashamed. Now I know I'll have to explain why I'm crying. I continue to sob, snort and sniffle a few minutes more until I'm able to regain my composure. He asks me if I'm okay. I told him I was fine, just tired and embarrassed to tell him why I was crying. And of course, he responds with, "Don't be embarrassed! I understand you have hormones going on." So I tell him about how I had to walk into school looking like this, and how Chase kept trying to take the baby, and I just wanted to hold her to cover up my holey t-shirt, which by the way, was impossible. Then he says, "Well, at least you had a bra on." That made me laugh and cry at the same time. We laughed together for a few minutes, then head inside. I told him I was headed straight for the shower, and as I close the door, I hear Chase ask, "So what did you find out, Dad?" I'd love to hear what he said.

Don't worry, I'm in bed now with my feet propped up. My babysitters are home, and doing a fantastic job of entertaining, and I'm trying to rest. And please, I know there are those of you that will tell me to not over do it, and take it easy. I don't want to hear it. I don't do it on purpose, but seriously, I have three kids. Unless you want to hire me a maid and a cook, things have to get done around here!

Parenting Class

Baby girl J has been with us for 6 weeks now. It has been absolutely amazing having her back. I missed her so much, and it just feels like our family is incomplete without her. She's a little mess, but she is so stinking cute, so it's all worth it!

You guys know I'm a huge advocate for foster care. Fostering has its challenges for sure, but it's so rewarding, and we can do so much good for these kids, even if it is for a short while. We are with the Boys and Girls Homes, and I love them. Our social workers are amazing, caring, understanding women, and they have been a huge support to us in tough times. If you are interested in fostering, or maybe you aren't sure, but out of curiosity would like to know more, these ladies would love to come out and talk to a group of you, your church, or whatever, and just tell you more about what they do and how the process works. I know there is a lot of interest because I have had so many people reach out to me because of our story and my blog wanting more information. Let me know, and I can get you in touch.

Every year the Boys and Girls Homes have a foster parent training day, and this was our second year going. Both times it has been amazing. We learn so much about parenting, from tough, damaged kids to our own fairly well-behaved kids. We took the kids with us this year. As I dropped the kids off at the babysitting station, I worried about baby J being without us for 5 hours, like she couldn't survive without us. I gave her a kiss and walked out the door while she yelled, "Mama! Mama!" 5 1/2 hours later we walk in there to pick her up, and 5 teenage girls run up to me saying, "Oh my goodness, is this your baby?! So is SO cute! We were all fighting over her. We just love her! Everyone wanted to hold her!" I look over at J who is just babbling and flirting and charming everyone. You guys, I wish I could post a picture of this baby for you all to see, but trust me when I say she is so stinking cute! And you know I had her nails painted, her chunky bead necklace on, her rhinestone sandals, and a big ole flowery headband on her. She is a diva, and what can I say, I've always loved dressing up baby dolls! =P

Anyways, I'd like to share a little of what I learned this year. This is probably going to be a huge shock to some of you, but I'm not what you would call a morning person. I'm more of a morning monster, and I'll be honest, my poor kids suffer because of it. My husband is a night owl because of personality and work, so the mornings are all up to me. I roll out of bed after hitting snooze as many times as possible, cursing myself because I've overslept and now we have to rush. I go in their room and yell at them to "Get up right NOW or you're going to be late!" (Like it was their fault.) I scramble around the kitchen getting lunches together, making sure bags are packed and so fourth. I change J's diaper, yell at them that they better be out here in TWO MINUTES or else they will regret the day they were born, and grab them a granola bar because we didn't have time for breakfast.

As we get in the car 5 minutes later than we should have, I lecture them the whole way to school about how irresponsible it is for them to sleep in and make us rush to school, and almost late every day. As I speed through yellow stoplights, think about flipping off several other drivers who have the audacity to get in front of me and drive slow, and groan in frustration at the long car line, the boys just sit quietly nibbling on their granola bars. As we pull up to the drop off spot, I tell them I love them and to have a great day and learn a lot. I'm sure that gives them warm, fuzzy feelings after being yelled at all morning. I drive home feeling guilty, and I pray for forgiveness, and tell myself tomorrow morning will be better. What a terrible example I am! How short I fall in showing them God's love and patience and kindness! This is not our story every morning, but it does happen sometimes, and when I am cranky, I can find it very hard to control myself.

Yesterday's big lesson was basically this: The quickest way to change a child's behavior is to control your own. Bam. There it was, in my face. I have a terrible time with that sometimes. When I am particularly tired, stressed, and have had a bad day, I am a terrible mom. The boys will be fighting over something, usually one particular angel irritating the snot out of the other one, and when I've had enough, I will SLAM the pot down that I'm cooking in, STOMP over into the living room, and yell at them that, "IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOURSELVES, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THE WORST TROUBLE OF YOUR LIFE!!!" What am I communicating to them? Because I'm certainly not modeling self-control. It sounds so obvious, but in the heat of the moment, I forget myself, and my ugliness comes out. I am so thankful for my savior who has covered all my sins, past and present, but I feel so sorry for my kids who still have to endure my sin! Cory and I talked on the way home, both feeling very convicted. We came up with a code word to use in case one of us is starting to loose our patience and our cool. And I am asking you all to pray for us too. Parenting can be so hard sometimes, right? Especially when the one who is supposed to be a good example is failing miserably!

Another good thing we learned was sometimes discipline, which means 'to teach', is better served as a patient lesson rather than a consequence. If your child is obviously upset and says something rude and uncalled for, instead of jumping on them with, "You don't speak to me that way, you are so grounded!" try this. "I know that you know what you just said to me was wrong. And that tells me that whatever it is on your mind is bothering you more than any consequence I could give you. So here's what I want you to do. Grab some chips, I'll grab the salsa, and we'll meet outside on the patio in 2 minutes so that you can tell me what's upsetting you, and I can help you find a better way to deal with it." That teaches the child 2 things: How to deal with issues rather than taking them out on someone, and that they can always come to you when they are upset. How likely will they come to you when they need you if they know you're just going to yell, get mad and ground them? And some kids listen better when they aren't looking you in the eye. There was so much more that we learned, but it was a 5-hour talk, so I'm not going to repeat it all. But seriously good stuff!

This week I am praying intentionally for myself, my husband, and all the other struggling parents out there. Parenting is hard, but it's the most important job that we have. But I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Shared Parenting

Whew, what a crazy 3 weeks it has been! It's been a long time since we've had a 1-year-old! Moms of little ones, here's a shout out to you, because honestly I forgot how exhausting it can be! She is into everything. If you were to walk through my house right now, you would see tupperware, shoes, toys, movies, snacks, torn up tissues, movies, and lots of other things laying all around the floor, all from one tiny little person. I literally can not keep up with cleaning up after her. I will be investing in some more cabinet locks and a trashcan with a lid this week!

Poor baby was sick all last week, and boy was she a grouch. It is is emotionally and mentally draining to deal with a crabby, whiny baby all day long! You tell her no, and she falls on the floor crying hysterically. What a drama queen! But as crazy as life is for us right now, I can't help but smile and think about how awesome my God and His plans are. I wouldn't trade this for anything. It still hasn't completely sunk in that she's back. I love this little girl so much, and this is something I prayed for so hard! I just never imagined I'd be pregnant when she came back. I am kicking myself because just a few months ago I got rid of my perfectly good double stroller. In three months, I will have a newborn and an 18-month old. I am definitely going to need another double stroller.

I wanted to talk a little bit about shared parenting. If you are a foster parent or thinking about becoming one, this is something you will learn about. When we were in our training classes, they told us that when we have children, we need to practice shared parenting, which means keeping the parents in the loop, sending them pictures, updates, asking their advice or opinions on things, etc. My first thought was that was crazy, and I had no intention of buddying up with these parents and asking their advice. If anything, they needed my advice. When we got baby J, and the social worker asked me to reach out to mom and update her on how she was doing, I had this horrible pit in my stomach.

As I made the phone call, my hands were shaking, and I honestly thought that mom would think I was rubbing it in her face that I had her baby and she didn't. She sounded so relieved that I had called, and thanked me for letting her know that her baby was okay. She gave me her email address, and over the next few weeks, I sent her regular updates and pictures. It was definitely awkward for me, and as I told her about all the special firsts she had, doctor appointments, and just little details like how she smiled while she slept, mom started to trust me, and see the love I had for her child. As time went on, it became natural, and we developed a relationship. I was even invited to stay for some of the visitations, and felt very included in the family. I worked extra hard to build my relationship with the family, and when we learned that J would be leaving us to live with her grandma, I was so sad, but so thankful that there was a relationship there. After J left, the family still sent me pictures and updates on how she was doing, and while I missed her terribly, it was not a complete loss. I was even invited to come to a couple of the visitations and see her.

When grandma realized that she could no longer care for J, she told the social worker, "I don't want her to go anywhere but Anna's house. I know how much she loves her, and I can trust her to take good care of her." I can not tell you what that meant to me. Had I not built this trust and relationship, she might not be back here with us now. It can be hard. In our case, wanting to adopt so badly, deep down I felt like I didn't want to share too much, or to be too encouraging because honestly I didn't want her to go back. I had to constantly remind myself that God had a plan, and I needed to stop meddling and trust Him. I needed to share Christ's love with them, and use this opportunity to share the gospel with these people. It was a huge lesson in trust for me, and looking back, I can see his plan coming together, and am so thankful that He knows best! Even if your child is not meant to come back to you, you still have a chance to be in their lives. You still have a requirement to share the gospel with people, and really its such a beautiful opportunity to do so. When most people would be judgmental of the families, you show them love, understanding, patience, and compassion, and what better way to share Christ?!

As far as how long J will be with us, we still don't know for sure, but I think it's safe to say that she will be here at least through October. They have court in October, and we will find out then if they make changes to her permanency plan. Once again, I am having to remind myself that God has a plan, and just trust him with that. Please be praying for us, that I would have more chances to share the gospel with the family, and no matter the outcome, God would be glorified!

Baby J is Back!

Some of you may remember last summer when we got a sweet newborn baby girl, Baby J. She stayed with us for almost 4 months, when DSS moved her to live with her grandmother. I loved that sweet baby like my own child, and it was so very hard to let her go. I have stayed in touch with her grandmother over the last 10 months, and she occasionally sent me updates and pictures. It was evident that she was well loved and being cared for, but I missed her so much! 

Monday morning I woke up to a message on my phone asking if I would be willing to take her again. Grandma had too much going on, and was not able to care for her at this time. I could not believe my eyes. I sat there crying like a baby, and waited all morning to get a confirmation from DSS. Finally I got the call, and I picked up my sweet baby girl that afternoon. This week has been exhausting keeping up with an energetic little walker that's into EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

She adjusted so well! I don't know if it's possible for her to remember us, but it was like she did. I was concerned about it because at this age, so many children have separation anxiety, and I thought leaving her grandmother, who stayed with her and cared for her 24/7 would be extremely hard on her. But she is as happy as can be. She is sweet, loves to snuggle, and laughs and giggles all the time. She loves the cat, loves to go swimming, and loves to play outside. The boys have had a blast taking care of her too. We have been scrambling to baby proof the house, because if she can get into it, she will. 

As far as how long she will be staying with us, we can't say. I wish I knew, but I know God has a plan for her, and I am just enjoying every minute that I have with her. Please pray for her family. They are going through so much right now, especially grandma. She had a very hard time giving her up, but because of her current situation, she knew she just couldn't give her what she needed, and made a very selfless decision. I've had a few chances to share the gospel with her. Please pray that God would use that, and that there would be more opportunities, and that she would be saved through this. 

People are looking at me like I'm crazy when I'm out in public with 3 kids, one being a baby, and obviously quite pregnant, but hey, I don't care! I love the craziness of it all. I wouldn't trade it for the world!